Exploring the Indian Education System

My mom's a teacher so I spent my childhood in 12 different schools, tasting a variety of education systems from nursery to high school. I've tried everything from Convent school to alternative education - was even home schooled for a while. Of course, it wasn't planned that way but I think this adventure has made me a more open and perceptive human being. 

I have been in a class of 3 and a class of 53, a class on a tea estate in Ooty and a class on top of the hills in Sahyadri. I've been in schools where we sang bhajans at assembly and others where we sang hymns. I've studied with children of well-to-do Mumbaikars and children of poor tea pickers. I've had teachers that believed in corporal punishment and teachers that believed in open book tests. The one thing I've learnt from all of them is that you can excel at anything you put my mind to and whether you top the class or fail math by 1 mark, the most important thing is to be an honest person. 

My mom says she experimented with us as kids, putting us through different experiences to mould us into better human beings. Every school taught us something different whether it was learning braille or sign language, learning Kannada or Esperanto, we were always encouraged to give it our best. When I started at the convent school at the age of 13, 'normal' was an overrated word. I had no idea how average I was, 'cos I was always treated as a unique individual. Even after I completed high school, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was special and different from everybody else.

Today, when I read stories about inspiring people, I feel small and unaccomplished. I sometimes feel like I'm not living my dream. I often say I want to travel the world and explore new places and people and food and cultures. But the truth is I could die a happy girl just knowing I inspired someone, anyone.

Currently, I volunteer part-time for an NGO that's involved in educating underprivileged children and I look forward to having a child of my own one day to experience how the education system has evolved since I was a kid. I know what it's like to be brought up by someone who refused to settle for second best and I'm grateful that she inspired me to be my own person and follow my own path, wherever that may lead. 

Ultimately, everything that you explore teaches you something about yourself and my experience has taught me that there's always more to explore. 

Solo Trip Diaries

The seat in the van was comfortable. But I didn’t crave comfort. The whole point of this trip was to escape the familiar and get me out of my comfort zone. It was easy to doze off as the van veered through familiar roads.

When I reached, the sun hadn't risen yet. It was not yet morning and the chill of 4am was not something I was used to. I hid in an ATM cubicle. It’s funny how we use these to escape the heat in the city but here it was a warm haven…with money! Thankfully the rickshaw that picked me up had curtains that prevented the winds from chilling my bones. I wrapped my blanket around my shoulders all the same.

When I reached I apologised for waking my hostess so early and then just unhooked by bra and flopped onto the bed. I didn't expect to fall asleep immediately but it was strange how I missed someone to cuddle with. I dreamt of family and it helped.

“Why did you decide to come alone?”, she asked.

“I needed to”, I wanted to say.

Breakfast involved a lot of staring into the green eyes of a meowing cat, daring her to inch closer to the food. She was a poser though, copycating my eyes and flared nostrils.

I thought of how writing this is just writing about my experiences but it’s impossible to do so by leaving myself out. This place…as experienced by me. Breakfast… as experienced by me. Cos there’s no way another person could experience the same things the way I do. Each of us is shaped by our own values and past experiences. Maybe you wouldn't have noticed how long the cat’s eyelashes were. Maybe I’d have to point that out to you, making your experience all the richer.

I fell into daydream again while eating lunch and the beautiful thing about zoning out when you’re alone is that there is no one around to snap you out of it. It was so quiet I could hear myself eat. Thunder rolled past and then big droplets of rain. I wanted to sit there forever and listen to it pour down.

Putting your toes on the ledge is not the same as dipping them in the waves, but it feels as good. I soon had to pack up and move inside. Even though we were on floor 1, there was a tiny swimming pool in the main living area and I preferred keeping my toes toasty under covers for a while.

When I ventured out again, the clouds had cleared and the view was back, with just a few extras mopping up the mess. The help was loud but nothing seemed to take my attention away from the chirping birds and the light tap-tap of my keyboard, except…except maybe the power cut. Ctrl+S, Ctrl+S, Ctrl+S. This is probably the only productive things I’ll do all weekend, still more than I do on most.

Binge baba would describe me well on an ordinary Saturday. I might venture out for a walk on Sunday, but it’s unlikely. The idiot box is too much of a temptation and online deliveries make life so lazy. 

Phoenix Rising

I came here to write.

It's been a year since I moved to Gurgaon. Exactly a year since I climbed on that plane and landed here.

It's been a scary year, an exciting year, a heart-breaking year, a self-discovering year. But I'm here.

And I like who I have become this year. I used to go down this path of self discovery more often when I was younger. But today it is varied and weird.

I'm wired on the world wide web too tightly. I spend way too much time online.
I have less face-to-face conversations than online ones. And I am a Social Conversation Manager. I have conversations as if I am a brand. It's strange? yes. But this brand stands for a girl much like me, so it comes naturally to me.

I'm scared of taking up a brand that I would not relate to. If I get into a Digital Marketing Agency, I might not have a choice.

My Bojangles keeps me happy. I'm still deeply connected to music. But the playlists in my head have stopped. I miss the long bus rides of Bangalore. I miss that alone-in-a-crowd feeling. I have it sometimes now over the weekends when I catch the metro to go see my mom.

Last week someone just asked, "What perfume are you wearing?"
Just out of the blue, without so much as a hi-hello.
"Oh..er..sorry..um...Little Waters..by Davidoff"
I stammered out of shock.
"It's good", she said

Strange 'cos when I thought about it and I know it's called Still Waters and I wanted to correct myself and tell her that I had mixed it up. But I decided to just let it go. She sat next to me the entire metro ride to Rajeev Chowk, but we didn't utter another word to each other.

I don't understand how human beings can speak to people miles away on their little mobile phones, but can't name their next door neighbors. It's strange and I don't like it. It really upsets me.

I've been dealing with a severe case of insomnia for the past week. Maybe it's the weather change, maybe it's stress, maybe it's just me. I tend to have these strange creative phases once every 2-3 years. The last one was when I was falling in love with my soul mate, 3 years ago. That was a different high.

This one is more about falling in love with who I'm going to be. 'Cos finally I know who that woman is going to be.

I'm not going to let my potential go unnoticed again.
I'm never going to stay unproductive.
I'm never going to settle for a 9-5.
I will always experiment with clothes.
I will always shop impulsively.
I will always spend on lasagne.
I may always have a tummy as well.
And I'm good.

I will cry.
I will be a wreck sometimes.
I will allow myself to be just who I am.
I will not apologize for being me.

I will learn to keep personal life separate from office life.
I will learn to keep colleagues separate from friends.
I will know the difference.
And I will know when to mix and match.

I cannot hide from society and it's norms.
But I will not follow all of them.
Just the ones that don't hinder me from being myself.

I'm fierce.
I'm passionate.
I'm emotional.
I'm creative.
I'm innovative.
I love change.
I believe in chaos.
As much as I believe in growth.

I'm not a reader of books.
I'm not a writer yet.
One day I will publish a book.
One day I will have a family.

I will leave a legacy.
I already have.

I am me and I am good 'cos God don' make no junk!

This has been my favorite quote for a very long time now and though I'm not sure I believe in God anymore, I'm pretty sure I'm no junk!

Share your favorite quote in the comments below.

Shut Down Time

It’s not time yet. I have strict rules as to when to turn off a computer and it’s not time yet. It’s time to fill in an empty sheet of paper with what you did today, how you felt about it and what you’re been thinking/dreaming of doing all day. Now unless I explain further, it’s going to sound absolutely mind boggling. But that’s just it. The day was simple. It rained. There was thunder. My red shoes had to be protected. Oh yes! I’ve migrated from red umbrellas to red shoes and I prefer the later. In any case the umbrella was hardly required when I took it out last weekend. I just let the trees do their job. Yes, now it is time to shut down. 11:22pm Tuesday 08, May 2012.

Settle Down

Let's try this. Lets try writing someone a letter. Let's start with the first person in your address book.

Dear Abi Aunty, It's been ages since I wrote to you! Do you still have breast cancer or did the last operation do the trick? How's Alina's grand mom and whatever happened to their cats? Do you still play bridge tournaments with Uncle Bob? We had a friend from Australia visit recently. She knew mom before I was born so it's nice to hear stories of mom and dad's good ol' times while she was around. Her son, Sam is Zohrab's age and hasn't given up his bratiness and cracker-craze even after all these years. As kids, he teamed up with my brother, smuggled 20 boxes of aussie candy into a tent and ate them all in a day! This time he brought his girlfriend who was so very polite and well-behaved, I think mom wanted to adopt her by the end of their stay!

Dear Abha Sah, We're sorry Sam's pants are still with you. I recently realised one of my friends from Pune was going to Oz in Jan and could have easily taken it back with him. If mom had just let me think clearly instead of couriering them to you in Mumbai we wouldnt even be having this conversation!! Anyway, I gues you could give them away to anyone who would put them to good use!

Dear Shake! Is your beard still chest-long and shaggy? We missed you at Su's budday dinner. Actually her mom missed you most and so did the lonely bowl of gajar halwa! Wish you were still around or at least kept in touch more often. I have that link to your flickr gallery in my FB inbox. Must go check it out now! 

PS: I still regret losing our Komodinator comic book! 

 Hi Osho! My boyfriend wanted to join the Osho community online! any advice? ;) Heard you're dating a familiar Bangalore-based RJ, how's that going for you? I wish I didn't sound so bitter but I still remember you as the bald-headed whiner who broke my friend's heart! 

Hi Alina, Ah, I should go back and watch your wedding video again! :) How's Glenn? Saw something about his new store..the car parts thing..on FB...tell me more about it. Are you in Toronto now? Vancouver? Or in the US? I've lost track...

Hi Pinto, Sir, I remember you telling me I look happier and calmer after I'd started working. I wonder if you've got your Phd yet! Your blog still running?? And I have half a mind of digging out that infamous Optional Eng paper and reading it again. You remember the one in which I failed by 2 marks and you refused to submit my answer sheet to the Exam dept cos of the obscenities I'd written?! I'm still wondering what YOU really thought of it and why you floated the idea of doing a paper on it, which was of course shot down by Sudhamshu, who thought I was looking for those extra 2 marks to pass the crappy mid-terms! Anyway, I hope you still have that mug I painted for you and hope you wife is loving the mickey mouse balding pattern. Cheers!

Hi Arpi, I'm not sure who you are! must be one of those autosave contacts that Gmail thought she was doing a favour for. Maybe you're from my old forwarding list. Hmmmm.

Hi Asma, You must be creeped out my the fact that I remember your grandmom was half parsi. Also, my view of you completely changed after I met Brian and saw what you made of him. Yeah, I do blame you and I am taking the boy's side. For once! But I still think you write awesomely, look great on your Gtalk profile and are the only sensible Google reader in town. Are you even in town...sounds like you're in Mumbai most statuses...

Hi Ayesha, I'm still in love with your perfect little face. So pretty and oh-so-enigmatic. You were the best senior prefect ever. Made it difficult to fill your shoes. 

The Fear

There was a time when a blank page like this would serve as inspiration. Now it's just a timid invitation to scribble mindless junk. I've been trying to write sensible stuff lately. Stuff people can read and publish on websites and magazines and the like and it's not working. I end up being really boring and too politically correct. Blogging was cool until I realized people I haven't even met are reading this and judging me by it. It's easy to get duped when you're just sitting in your room in shorts with your laptop propped over a bag of chips.

I wanna write stuff which is genuine and will still be loved by whoever happens to read it. I thought that's what I was doing until I started begging for comments and likes and suddenly it wasn't about me anymore and I couldn't be honest anymore. I'm even considering giving up. I can only be totally me when I know no one's reading. Or if I'm in my comfort zone with people I can trust. I feel ME fading away bit by bit cos I have conditioned myself into thinking I can only be ME with him and he's not around as often as I want him to be. I don't want to be a sad, passive listener. Cos that's not who I am. Why am I scared of saying what I'm thinking even when I'm with my closest friends? I was never scared of sounding too blunt or looking like a complete jerk. Now I am. Now I'm not letting me be. And it's not fair to anyone anymore.

AHA Moments

23 Sept 11
I want to feel more me!
I don't like work me
I don't smile as much
and I want Oreos now.

3 Aug 11

I've never had stability and I don't care much for it.

25 July 11

I'm not sure

i dont have that comforting determination feeling at the pit of my stomach

I'm just not sure

and it has a lot to do with anxiety

21 July 11
I'm still the same person
It won't change it won't make me better
It wont relax me
I'm still lonely and needy and clingy
i still cry
i still type like a madman

6 months

I'm going to work towards it.

i have a goal now.

:)

12 July 11

Love is strange

love lingers

it's that tingly feeling at the pit of your stomach

it's the heartbreak at the end of a phonecall

Farewell Rakhee

Your grinning face, your working pace

Your hunger for food and knowledge

Your friendly wink, the way you think,

And all your handsome crushes

These are the things we’ll miss the most

About the girl from Trivandum coast!

  

All the best, Rakhee!

Thanks for everything!

Knowledge Management Team

Enchanting-Travels

Wild Things

I could change the widlest thing that didn't want saving

They might come back to you

Wild things sometimes do

Sharu Bday

Pencils

Jotted

Land

Shrinking

Etching

Sketched

Doing

No matter how 'ADULT' you get, you're still gonna be immortally beautiful, exceedingly intelligent, cynically witty, contagiously amusing and altogether way too much fun to be around. I LOVE YEW!!! *sloppy kisses and bear hugs*

 23 May 11

Who am I kidding

This isnt mixed feelings

Im unhappy

I cant be entirely happy

I lie when I say I'm thrilled

Dylan

I’ve been listening to Dylan music since….before I was born! My dad was a huge fan, so much so that ‘Forever Young’ became his epitaph. I remember being asked to copy out the song onto handmade paper as a child. The calligraphy version was pinned up in my room for years. Growing up, I remember listening to ‘Blowing in the Wind’, ‘Tamborine Man’ and particularly ‘It Ain’t Me Babe’ from old, worn-out cassettes. In college, when asked to read out my favourite piece of literature, I chose to take the treasured Dylan lyrics book out of the house and into the classroom. Even though Dylan has been recognized as civil rights activist, to me, he’ll always be the great lyricist whose music is absolutely timeless…Happy Birthday Dylan!

12 May 11

When they said ‘Save it for a rainy day!’, they meant today 

I thank the little girl who made me smile and make funny faces at her

I thank the red Volvo that splashed a whole puddle on me

5 May 11

They plastered blue glycerine over the windows.

The purple flowers look purposefully blue.

18 Apr 11

Summertime

and the living is easy

TMI

'Balance whoosh! :( loved the chat. :) whatever you decide I'm here-to talk about the gory details or the mundane ones! =D just put up the bat sign, bat girl (me) will be there in a bit! =P'- AWme, 24.08.2010, 12:18am.
Our first gory details conversation took the life outta our phones!!

Gory Details:
'Baby think u've felt all the parts of me I can comfortably let u...' To TanTan, 02.05.2010, 2:59pm

'I just want to lie in ur arms n do nothing at all...' To TanTan, 02.05.2010, 2:56pm
'Ur lips are amazing too..n next time i'm gonna rip ur shirt open! ;)' To TanTan, 02.05.2010, 2:49pm
 'Noone's gone wild over my body before..it's really amazing actually.' To TanTan, 02.05.2010, 2:48pm

I have to admit the one reason I liked him was cos he liked me for the way I looked. Never happened before.
To my knowledge.

'I like u. I'm attracted to u and I know this can't go very far cos we live very different lives...so it's ok with me...I'm upset now...but i'll make my peace with it..thanks for being such a sweetheart..I like the way u care..it makes me feel special :)' To TanTan, 11.04.2010, 2:18am

'Surprising that we r messaging big time.'  TanTan, 27.03.2010, 12:32pm

'Big time' is not the word! 4000+ msgs in total. Just 6 months

'Thanks for being honest and telling me everything. Trust is what matters in every relationship Ur amazing' TanTan, 28.03.2010, 1:11am

That's one thing. We stayed honest.

'Trust Ur voice is amazing. It's loud and clear. Impresed' TanTan, 27.03.2010, 12:17pm
 That's why he fell for me. He says.

'Hey u seem to be tensed. Don't worry every thing is gonna be ok. Tomorrow is Ur first day have fun. All the best I am sure u will do well and grow faster.' TanTan, 28.03.2010, 10:15pm

That was an awfully never ending moment in time.I told my boss I was leaving. He called him into the little room, suffocatingly little. I can remember being unsure. He wasn't. He knew this was good for me. Supportive. Even today.

'Ur hot and sexy anyways. After all Ur my gal should be that way. Wat say sugar?' TanTan, 08.04.2010, 12:14am

Day of the first kiss :) I still quiver when I remember it.

'I donno babe..I really really like u...but..yeah...it's gonna be tough..let's just take it one day at a time...n see how it goes...' TanTan, 03.05.2010, 2:14pm

I can fearlessly say it went well. Now I can say it wasn't tough. It didn't involve tears and I liked it.

'I'm lying on the bed without a shirt on...they are missing u ;)'  To TanTan, 02.05.2010, 3:40pm

I like his word for them.
Now I do.

'Try not to think too much babe! U've been very honest from the start so I don think there's Much chance of me getting hurt...let's keep it simple...what say?' To TanTan, 03.05.2010, 2:20pm

Connect the dots.

'See that's what i'm saying...i always stop u when I'm not fine with smt...so it's cool' To TanTan, 02.05.2010, 3:06pm

'I don't wanna hurt u any cost. If u look at life realistically its gonna be real tough. I keep thinking about it.' TanTan, 03.05.2010, 2:17pm

Time Capsuled

Balance Khali..btw **** and I are 'friends with benefits' now..we talked bout it after snogging session..christmas party night..we realised it's all physical only and we can't tell anyone so it's random hooking up whenever sort of a thing..funny part is it doesn't interfere with us being friends cos neither of us have feelings for each other..good right?

-I've had my share of flings. Wipe that shocked expression off your face already! I've been kissed by a sloppy puppy, an over confident ass and a senior manager.

I like it when you say 'Oh Baby!', it makes me want to tease you more.

-I still can't delete these...

Watching one of my fav movies..Shall We Dance?

-Just added that on FB.

Missing you all over again! call if you can...

-Forwarded.

Fuck! I could write such a sexy romance novel right now :)

-On the way to Goa..we were sexting...ok...I was sexting :P

You move your fingers down to my shoulders just where my curls end and scrunch them up in time with a large hard kiss and you moan and I moan... 

-This was hardly a week after we met..sigh...

Miss you tons! what you doing? Cough better?

-He had a fever when he was here an curled up in bed with him and it was like sleeping with a giant hot water bottle...

I'm at my ancestral house in old Goa. It's so beautiful my camera is going mad!! 

-23rd Jan 2011. 11:56am

Flaming Torch

 I can easily see myself getting married to him, having kids with him, growing old with him.

And part of me doesn't want to.

Cos these means I'll never have another first kiss.

Another jittery heart

Another...sigh...

I can't begin to imagine it without him.

Another dream, yes. But what if I called him everyday to tell him bout my new jitter

And what if my new jitter was just him.

Cos heart's are flaky

And mine flakes out.

Flames out.

Flames In.

Flames out.

I don't know what I’m talking but anymore.

But you know...that!

Just OK

I'd rather think of my deepest wish than my deepest sorrow.
Wishing on stars is a way of asking yourself what you really want most.
I'd rather not have anything to wish for.

Knowing this is probably the best time of my life
Is making it harder not to find flaws with the way things are.
I love the way things are.
Things still go wrong.
But I'm ok.
I still cry like a baby when I think of it.
But Im ok.

I'm stronger now.
Than I've ever been.
I'm quirky now.
Naughty now.
Grinning now.
And it's ok.

Love You

I'm loving this
I like work because I'm glued to my earphones all day and I just click click away
I love you cos I don't have to listen to you all day
I wish I could kiss you away.

More than you know I love life
Cos this is just where I want to be right now
i'm who I've always wanted to be
Confident
Silly
Romantic
Beautiful
Awesomely Talented
Just me :)
Yes, I love this just the way it is.

Sin or Sinner?

No this is not a philo speech.
This is just me.

I dont like you when you talk to me that way.
There are times I'm so annoyed with you I just want to scream but I don't
I've had enough of you for the day.
Good bye.

Relationship Status

She sticks her head out of the window of the bus and lets the wind ruffle her hair.
The rain doesn't trouble her this year.
Neither does the cold.
She's growing old.

Well, at least this way you can say you never say him cry.
Hold me tight, let me go on loving you

'Defeat on either side is not an option'

Marley N Me

There was more Hot Chocolate and less icecream...but she wasn't complaining...
"Hi Adi"
"Blah, Blah, Blah, Gotta go. I'll call you later?"
"Yeah ok"
"Sorry Par."
"Don't say sorry. Just go."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She didn't want to admit she was feeling lonely.
Cos this is a feeling she thought she wouldn't have to feel anymore.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a girl puking her guts out on the pavement.
I gave her the crumpled Corner House tissue.
Without even taking out my headphones, I passed her by.
Half a good deed for the day.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm wearing his Marley T :)
I called him too.
But I didn't want to be cheered up by someone.
So even if he had tried, it wouldn't have worked.
I wanted to cheer myself up.
Just to prove it's still possible.

Smiles appeared through a Jack Johnson song.
A live version which starts with him declaring the song 'happy'...
_____________________________________________________________

Gazillion watt grin :D

Code monkey not a funny man
Code monkey like you

Wierd things amuse me
Amusing things freak me out
Classical music for example.

Gazillion watt grin
The goodness of life in general makes me grin

Doing my own thing
Getting pretty caught up by the job, job swing :)

Very often you're asked 'How's work?'
Not often you can answer 'Love it!'

This is one of those moments in life when everything is in it's right place.
And you're so scared something is on the verge of ruining it.
One person deserves to be this happy.
Don't you think?

So I'm here writin...

An emptiness
that is for sure

I don't know who he was or what he would become
I don't know what I want him to grow into
Let's just say nothing
Emptiness captures it

Clicked again
Almost lost

Instead of doing
I...
Yes
How do I save it?
sigh

Red Lust

So I give in n buy myself a red umbrella
They say these are the kind of things u wait for

And I'm falling
I'm falling in lust
It's absurd
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reading this back to myself it feels like that was the last time I was really obsessed with something inanimate.
Worth a post?

Enchanting

Incomplete poems from work.

17.04.2010

Somewhere in between

the whole scene

broken mirrors

that's clear enough

high, stoned,

3.05.2010

He's falling for me

And he doesn't know what to do

Cos the harder he falls,

The harder it gets to break away.

He's scared for me

And he doesn't know what to do

Cos the more he protects,

The more I'm likely to get hurt.

He’s good for me

And I don’t know what to do

Cos the closer he comes,

The further I want to go.

June 2010

Talking about it is not gonna make it go away.

But it sorta helped.

i CAN FEEL THE TEARS DRYING UP IN MY EYES AND AND TISSUE PAPER'S NOT AN ISSUE ANYMORE.

01.08.2010

Fall for you

please don’t make me fall for you

just promise me I'll never love you

that you'll always be unattainable and forbidden

so I can just be the tease without the guilt

Free to freeze at any given quilt

Please please don't fall for me

11.08.2010

Birds Migrate, People Migrate, Software Migrates!

Recently, in the Bangalore office there has been a big change

Losing your software is like losing a familiar friend. It’s difficult to change from something we’ve got comfortable with. Even with all its flaws, Microsoft was an enduring companion to us. And now it’s time to... 

23.08.2010

I have Superego problems.

My morality wont let me do things that I would otherwise enjoy.

03.09.2010

I'm so used to not getting what I want, I've made a habit of it now.

I take it for granted sometimes.

Those SOML moments when I settle for less knowing I could never ask for more.

It may seems a little Oliver-Twisty but I really do deserve him

happyness

Maybe i'm jus fooling myself thinking i'd be that happy but I think its worth a shot

But I know I wont run after it cos i'm not made like that

I'm constructed for pain and misery and a lifetime of longing

and it sometimes just feels so inevitable and so ME.

I wouldn't ask for something I know is way out of my reach

I wont get involved in something knowing I don't deserve it

I wont push myself to try any harder to get the best

and yet I give the best to this half life ive been given

and it seems like im powerless and broken

when I know im really happy and its all in my head and upto me to make those decisions

09.11.2010

You know you're an adult when you refuse a free piece of pizza