I'm used to listening to two things at the same time
I saw a girl with each of her 2 millimetre nails painted
Mom dreamt that someone broke into our house
Bill Gates retired
I've been thinking...have I really been living my life to the fullest?
Have I really done what I really wanted to?
Is that possible?
Or does everyone just live according to their set of rules rolling where life takes them?
Do we really have the choice?
It does seem like some mistakes....
Destiny! Something I used to believe in...
Our choices define our destiny..or something like that
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The Death Of A Loved One

Beloved Mother & Grandmother

One who refused to recognise
One who ate cookies in her bed
One who loved Mills and Boons
I'd like to say I knew you

I'd still have slept till eleven
I'd still have listened to 'ealth problems
If I had known you were sleeping in your bed
If I had known you were sleeping in your grave
Would it have made a difference to me?

I sound cold
I sound heartless
You were loved
Not by me

I'm sorry
Yes I am

I'm sorry
I wasn't a grand daughter to you

The Last Of Loius

Walking into Palm meadows....I'm going to miss this lifestyle....I mean being a babysitter was like my thing!
The way my face lights up when..turn corner...the moving vans are here..sigh..its really happening!
Till last week their house had no signs of packing and leaving...his toys were all over the place...the fridge was stocked...the cushions on the sofa were new....now the living room is full of cardboard boxes...
Angie and Louis are crunched up on the stairs...he's so excited to see me....I'm so hungry..
We make puzzles..find missing pieces..do math puzzles...sniffle...sneak mixture into my mouth...convince him he's hungry...but there's only bananas and orange wafers..the fridge is empty!
Their fridge is never empty! They always had juice, chocolate, cheese, sauce, beer, wine, yogurt, Californian grapes, strawberries and pasta..blessed pasta! The blessed God of pasta was born and brought up in that fridge! I never realised it was white on the inside..I broke a magnet once..Louis fixed it together..let it crack and said 'I'm joking!' :) Thats like his favourite phrase...everything I give in to and then he'll grin 'I'm only joking, Parnika, I'm joking' giggle!
aaww! sweetheart..no one can love you like I do
No one can love ME like you do!
I remember a day..THE day! Tired after coll...going thru shit with...whoever...I'm just thinking I need one thing, just one thing that will make me smile before I go to bed...Just one good thing...
We're eating cookies..he likes opening out every alternate one...
"I love you", he says "I love
you to the moon"
It breaks my heart..."I love you too, Louis, to the moon and back!"
"Hundred times round the moon and back!" Hug!
Nosy-nosy! who else will rub noses with me now!?
Who will love me to the stars?
He's five..he'll forget...
The rescue games, the towel tugs, dominoes with Jhenga blocks, the alphabet mat, the sand fights, the train tracks, the coloured balls, Uno...he's still the only one who can beat me at that game...
Sigh..he will be missed..I'll never forget...
He could hardly talk English when i first met him..he was in the 'why' phase...
"Why is water wet?"
"Why should we use soap?"
"Why can't we eat more cookies?"
Now thats developed into the more mature "How come?"
"Dyu know where I sleep now?"
"The hotel?"
"Dyu know where the hotel is?"
"Near the clubhouse?"
"No, its IN the clubhouse"
Oh what an idiot I am!
"And where do you eat?"
"Dyu know where I had breakfast today?"
"The clubhouse?"
"Yes, but where in the clubhouse?"
"The restaurant?"
"How come you know?"
"I'm clever, Louis"
"You're clever, you're SUPER CLEVER!"
Grin! first time since forth grade!
Running races to the playground, hiding multi-coloured socks in double knotted shoes...the toadstool game...drums..climbing up the sliding part of the slide and waiting for the wretched baby to slide down..
Today I felt like yelling out..."Hey, do any of you other super gossipy mothers need a really dedicated stand in?"
Cos I can do it you know
But I don't think I'll ever professionally babysit ever again..i was pretty spoilt with Angie
Lunch at the clubhouse on Fridays, gelatos after Tennis class, anything from that ever so glorious fridge...And I was always paid in round figures..I never once stopped to calculate how much she really owed me cos invariably I'd have 50 bucks over and above it.
Not to mention shoes, clothes and white things...bread once in a while..
And all I had to do was have fun, be a kid, jump around on pillows for an hour..
He wasn't even fussy!
The most well behaved kid in this generation!
Thank you without being reminded....flowers for my hair...treasure stones...I dint even have to ask for the chocolate icecream that gave him a brain freeze..
No seriously, he's been brought up really well...
I only wish he had a brother or sister so he would learn how to loose at games like Uno..
A brother actually..then he would have to stop making up rules for Guns and Grenades, his pizza game and the outdoor games where the goal is the..wherever he hits it!
I precisely remember a time I was locked out of the house because I dint throw the ball right onto his Tennis bat!
And when it comes to guns made outta one-sided paper or train tracks (the grenades are the stop signs and sometimes the coaches themselves) he's adamant
" No no No! This is the game. This is the game! You're in my house so you have to play with my rules..when I come to your house I'll play with your rules"
Somehow, he's never kept up the other side of that bargain...they cycled down once but he wouldn't come in..
I gave him the donkey book and I wrote a dragon story for him...
"Thats boring"
Wonder where he learnt that word from...he uses it for everything..even the things he enjoyed yesterday....especially the things he enjoyed just yesterday!
No wonder mom never taught it to me!
"Don't give up", he tells me in the middle of a rather challenging IQ game "If you say you can't then you can't but if you say 'I can I can' then you'll finish it"
Best advise ever!
And when I place the last piece correctly.. "See, I told you, you should say 'I can' all of the times."
"Let's do the super difficult level"
"What this means? Expert"
"Expert means you can do everything..you're the best"
He completes the last page of the toughest puzzle (which only adults are supposed to be able to do!)
"Now we're experts"

Sigh..now that game is boring for the rest of the week..
Trains used to be his passion..Thomas and his friends..He had the books, the tracks, the engines, the cds, the Tshirt and shorts, the blanket..
Then one fine day trains weren't his thing anymore. Santa Claus gave him a Hot wheels set for Christmas..so speeding cars are all the rave now...the super fast one, Mr slowpokey, Fatso and openings (the yellow Bumble Bee reminiscent one with an opening engine)
Then of course the super fast one has to get lost...
The evil flying train has to destroy the rest, the bubble blower is the rescue..it can repair anything! He counts to ten to complete a night in trainyears.
The bubble blower put to good use..
We never played hide and seek that much. His favourite was treasure hunt. Little pots of paint, spare car wheels..I had to hide them and then write a 'clue'
1. Behind something blue
2. Under the bed
3. Inside the striped box
4. Near the books
And woe betide you if they happened to be on top of the books instead of NEAR them!
He was very particular, very cautious, he dint like going fast on the swing or the merry-go-round, none of that nonsense!
He knew his limits. Except when it came to food. Vegetables were always left out. Su spirit I think.
Anyway, Brocilli, not so bad, thats where I learnt..
Also, Strawberries and Nuttella...mmmm...
Also don't forget the long hours of house sitting...he's fast asleep..I get double the pay..dropped home by cute, semi-drunk husband/father..
Long internet conversations on their laptop..Devil wears Prada, boring Jen An movie, half of the Graduate....
In the mornings its always Tom and Jerry...the one where they're skating on ice is my fav..the one with the 'How To Catch A Mouse' book is his.
Ya thats another thing..this little fellow has grown up without cable television!
tragedy? or greatest boon to his brain!
No video games, no Tv, limited child appropriate dvds, half an hour sessions only once a day, computer games and funny ads too occasionally.
Oh that reminds me of this time we watched one of his moms cds..baba Ramdev..yoga..breathing exercises...
He did then along with the extremely hairy chested guru...his stomach going in and out...pulls up his shirt to show me..fast, slow, wrong, right, replay!
He knows his remotes..like I know my serials...
Poor kid..doesn't know Spiderman(he has the mask tho), Popeye (wonder how his parents feed him spinach), Powerpuff girls, Spongebob squarepants..he must be lost in school..all these other high funda kids probably have it all on their PCs or whatever..
Thats one thing..this kid is not spoilt..I mean he has what he needs but I've never seen her fussing over him unnecessarily..very commendable..
He knows what a mobile phone is..will probably own one soon enough but he's content watching me play tennis on mine till then...not that I can do much else..he deleted the other good game..again said 'sorry' without being asked to...
He taught me how to do that throat gargling sound..very French!
I remember this day when he wanted me to read a Chinese book..
"But I can't read Chinese Louis"
"Thats ok, we can read the pictures"
So simple!
Now he reads French books for me...he's so perfect!
He should have had a really old older brother or smt..but then they wouldn't need me..
He has other babysitters..who teach him about war and other ghastly things...
One day he's sitting in his bathtub with his hands on either sidebar...
"See, this is war. France is angry with America" One hand is France and the other America..
"then France needs help so they ask India"
"How come ppl fight wars?"
"Is it a bad thing?"
Difficult to answer..I din't know this stuff till seventh std when we did the Mughal Invasion...
Bathroom pictures..
In his moms bathroom..his heater stopped working..I think this is when he picked up his dads razor..
"My dad says I can hold it"
That probably means he said the exact opposite!
I fixed the blade while he hid in the clothes basket..when I was supposed to have my eyes closed..usual pre-bath game...


He has grown taller..his nose is not as flat as it used to be and his eyes not as Chinky..hopefully he'll grow out of his Chineseness...French boy..he he...he may even forget his Chinese..tho I doubt Angie will let all those flash cards made of tissue paper boxes go to waste..

Monkey faces...he he...He's as agile as his age allows..keeping up with him on the pillow to couch game can be quite a game...
Monster! The first time I called him that he almost cried...last time we hid his face in the sand and then pretended there was a monster coming out on the count of three..he laughed and threw sand on me..
Thats him in the playground..
This was his Chistmas Tree..ingenious!
I've got videos too..but Blogger sucks!
And anyway..

He's telling me to stop!
PS: Don't try to read his palm!
He has a bright future and I know it! He once said while making clay snakes that he wanted to be a mosquito man (the guy who smokes the place at 7pm)
Then his ambition grew to the more refined submarine man..until he realised you could get eaten by a shark!
I think Firefighter has visited that list..so did engine driver and mechanic..
Whatever he does end up doing..he'll be excellent..I'm sure!
Best of Luck my darling! I love you so!
Keep the eyes chinky, the hair golden, the smile naughty, the pants falling off, the hands dexterous, the feet small, the heart loving..
Keep the India alive in you! The India that gave you Amoebic dysentery, made washing hands compulsory, fast and slow melting icecream, Palm Meadows, Coffee Day, medical shops ..
And the Indians who eat with their fingers, prefer rice to Pasta and will always always sigh and aww when they think of you! Hugs! Kisses! Nosy-Nosies!

Of Stars and Fireflies

I've been writing random bits of nothing lately and it's time to get a little deeper.
Shar made me cry yesterday. It's the second time I've cried this month. Both times I cried in front of a computer screen while reading something someone else wrote.
It's time I spill my tears into something more than 'free association' pieces.
So I took myself to my thinking place.
The moon has been sat upon. The clouds are pink and unfluffy. No stars yet.
I rest my head on a sweet smelling loaf of bread. My favourite song is cut short by the signature tune of my favourite radio show. I listen with the one earphone thats still in working condition. KC Kassum is replaced this week by his son. Its Fathers day. Colbie Callait.
"Take time to realise...
One star appears. Twinkling softly, slowly. Afraid. I want to make a poem. But I don't want to make this little star a metaphor to my life as many others would. I realise that in the race to be different, to stand out, I've forgotten that I am normal in most ways.
Ami's profile says 'An ordinary girl in an extraordinary world'
Shar's says 'I'm normal (much to the disappointment of my family)'
I hate to admit it, but yes, I'm normal too.
Spent years saying 'There's no such thing as normal'
Now I'm just it...if I'm normal then the rest of the whole wide world is abnormal in my eyes.
The bubbly song ends leaving me with that 'oh-so-bluesy' feeling that all her songs make me feel.
The star is moving. At an uneven pace. And it's not the motion produced by the earths routine rotations.
Tinier twinkles appear.
No 3 on the countdown...love song by Sarah Bereilles...I get up to dance.
Bathroom style with the phone as a mike.
Keeping half an eye on the stairs to watch out for Pranav or Zo who might be headed up here any second now.
Not that I care. I've seen his version of 'Fear of the Dark' on a rotating computer chair.
I feel quite blissful with my ungraceful self. Pretending to twirl, walk the ramp, kick some imaginary butt....
Flashes of sleepovers past. No I don't miss you. I like being me with me. Not that I pretend with you.
It's hard to explain this. This contentment. This carefreeness. This oneness with....
It feels divine. It's not so much of an 'out-of-the-body' experience as a 'comfortable-with-body' experience.
I don't know how much I believe. The thought of them dying makes me sad. I don't know how much I believe.
I head down still trying to figure out the 'extra'.
On the way I find a firefly. I pick him/her up. Seconds later she crawls on my bathroom floor. She does that little 'I-never-give-up' climb to my window sill. I'll probably stamp on him in the morning.
Battery low. I change. Not shorts. Fifteen minutes of the Aarushi case later I'm here writing this.
Slicing through Viva la Vida. Wondering if this is good enough. Knowing it is.

No fishing

when winamp is ur best friend
cold feet
Just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm lost
you might be a big fish in a little pond
doesn't mean you've won
cos along may come a bigger one
I'm just waiting till the firing starts
I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
"There're lots of fish in the sea"
"I hate that line"
"I'm just another fish in someone elses sea"
"Thats another way of looking at it"
No ones fishing

No more violet hill
I love Viva
There are days you get up and you know exactly what to wear
There are days you get up and you have nothing to wear
There are days you get up and want to wear nothing

Morning song: brand new shoes :)

Who is the president of Pakistan?
Maybe tomorrow I'll find my way home
Limewire is working
Bit torrent isn't
Statement of the day: Dying is good for health
scrubs
my rainbow smile
sometimes
11.25
pen fight
pillow fight
loving it
the new sound of coldplay
the sound that u hear when you press ur ear against the pole in a moving bus
the sound of trains in my head
the sound that makes you stop to listen
the sound that blocks out all other sounds
the sound that makes everything else feel like noise
the sound that keeps you from eating
the sound of water trickling
the sound of footsteps
the sound of hugs
the sound of bangles when I'm combing my hair
the sound of a computer turning on
the sound of a gtalk blurb
the clicking of a mouse
the double click
the sound of a smile
a smilie
the sound of a nailcutter
the sound of growling stomach
a baby yawn
paper torn
cluelessness
a sigh
blankets
slurping noodles
just cos im losing doesn't mean im lost

A very long half day

Woke up singing violet hill...
Deb
Shake's shock of hair
Back to christmas poo with gull
Broken with Sum
Mercy with Nush
Poppy...chalk..bracelet..
Su...new...
Thinking about a new world order
Pranav's crowshit hair
Saturday traffic
Zoey
Jane?
November Rain
Nanny, purple roses and fog
Blankness, mangoes, photos
Images

It's good to be back

Welgum bag:
"Vat via is Gads givd to uz, Vat vi begum is aver givd to Gad"
"Bust of Lug"

Statement of the day:
"Respect your Hair!"

Comments on life changing hairstyle:
"Wacky!"
"You look pretty"
"Suits your personality"

Comment of the day:
"You've put on colour" (not me)

Other memorable moments:
Jacket whip
Helmet bump

As I sat in the Audi images of graduation gowns floated by...
Outstanding college anthem

The first thing we did when we got to class was open tiffin boxes...
sandwiches missed...