One Woman's Breakup is another Woman's Hookup

The day your best friend hooks up with someone isn't exactly the best day of your life.
You look at them and you realise you have nothing like that...not even close...
Your boyfriend doesn't call you 'baby' anymore and he never ever believed in PDA.
It kinda makes you wanna end it...cos you realise you're letting it slip away..
Sigh..yes, no matter how hard you try you can't help comparing
And that's why when ppl say 'I'm happy for you' never ever believe them.
That's just a line they say cos they can't say 'I'm fucking jealous, you bitch! That should have happened to me and not you!'
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our first disagreement

I don't know how to tell her that I disagree with her. I'm too used to agreeing, to supporting her every decision, to laughing at her every joke. I don't know how to tell her that what she's doing is wrong. Maybe it's only wrong from my point of view. She's ruining a good relationship, and all over a couple of fights and disagreements. I can sit back and let it happen as long as it doesn't affect me and it doesn't, it probably never will. I'd like to think that I'm thinking of her when I'm telling her I disagree with her decision, that I'm doing it for her own good. But what good will it do her? She's having a hard time as it is. It doesn't make sense.

Swat Analysis

A tear rolled down her cheek and just before her vision blurred, she noticed a mosquito on the ceiling and wished she could be that small. Her world just a square inch of white wall.

Waiting on life to change

I feel empty and sad. As angsty as this sounds, it's true.

Everyone's left. I'm still here. Everyone else seems to have better things to do with their lives. I tried. I tried being more involved. More fulfilled, but it's that moment when you realize there's nothing more to life that earning enough to live and living enough to earn. And that's just about it.
It feels better when there's someone to hold on to. When there's someone to share a meal with, a joke with, the remote with.

I keep waiting for something life-changing to happen. Sometimes I wake up thinking it already happened and I missed it somehow. You know how people say that they live life to the fullest now cos they've been through a near-death experience. Yeah, like that. Not that anyone should wish that on themselves.

Waste of a Life

Spent the day watching wedding videos and pinning stuff to my wedding board. ;) Sigh!

It seems my life is on hold. Like someone's pressed the pause button and I'm waiting to play again. One day doesn't differ much from the other so they just become one blur.

I think maybe I've held back or let go or swung too hard or too slow. It's exciting and new and dull and dreary all at the same time.

It's raining and I haven't brought my umbrella to work but worse than that - I'm wearing my new loafers! Hope it stops by the time I have to leave.

I'm not living every moment to its fullest. I'm not seizing the day. But worst of all, I'm not the best of who I am. I'm just existing.

I keep waiting for something to happen. For something to come along and complete me. My Eureka! moment or whatever. When I go on holiday I kept expecting something to intrigue me, intrigue me so much that I would be able to abandon my life and dedicate it to something more meaningful.

I guess that's why I want to travel more. I'm still on the lookout for who I'm supposed to be. 

Enchanting 3ee

I wish I could tell you I'm playing Angry Birds and it's the only thing on my mind.
I'm not in the mood for small talk
I'll eat all the pasta myself if I have to
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Was on my way home
With a bubbling smile on my face
I looked out of the window at the billboards and I saw pain
In all the poses, in all the eyes, the same pained expression.
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The road was untarred
But it was ours
And i could see him trying to destroy it
Frustrated,
I saved the laptop from being crushed by a lorry
And then his family came, his daughters
'I left him out for 5 minutes, just 5', she says
I ignore the call from the boys landline, thinking to myself, Today's a mess!
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Somedays you wake up happy and somedays you don't.
Somedays make you smile and somedays you just don't!
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3 dead mosquitoes

I want to tell someone I love them
I want to tell someone I long for them
I want to sigh out loud
and kill a mosquito with it

She moved a lot as a child
She was moved a lot as a child
She just sighed everytime she lost a friend
She just sighed
and killed a mosquito with it

Welcome to her world
unstable as it is
It grew her strong
She grew up,
out,
in,
around...
Her world sighed her out of its arms
Killing mosquitoes with it

She knew herself as a child
And as her knowing grew
so did this bucket of paint
hanging above the porch
gathered dead mosquitoes

I long for that one gentle kiss
To tell me that this unstability is
all just a way of counting dead mosquitoes
that this insecurity is just a way of saying
goodbye to childhood

I don't mind laughing too loud or crying too hard
Show her what you got other than yellow sticky paint,
black polka dots
a broken heart and 3 dead mosquitoes

Cry

It's funny that the theme for this week's photo contest is crying.
I spent an afternoon doing it and it didn't make me feel any better..like it sometimes does.
I feel empty and shapeless
I sound haunted and angsty again
I haven't cried this hard in a long time
It's not an alcohol induced pain relived
It's real and it won't go away
This blog's been filled with happy posts lately
and I HAVE been happy lately
I just need to cry now
Go away
Don't bring tissue paper
Just make it go way
Put it off
Enough.
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He's mine.
It's alright if I send him train confirmation messages
I can be insecure with him
I can show him I'm insecure about some things
I can be weak with him
Isn't that what you wish for sometimes?
Someone you can be weak with?
Someone who'll love you for your greatest insecurities...
And help you realise you've always had the strength to not only hide but fight them.
That's who he is for me now. and I know I can't give him up.
a drug that does that for you is indispensable...A person...

Marley N Me

There was more Hot Chocolate and less icecream...but she wasn't complaining...
"Hi Adi"
"Blah, Blah, Blah, Gotta go. I'll call you later?"
"Yeah ok"
"Sorry Par."
"Don't say sorry. Just go."
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She didn't want to admit she was feeling lonely.
Cos this is a feeling she thought she wouldn't have to feel anymore.
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There was a girl puking her guts out on the pavement.
I gave her the crumpled Corner House tissue.
Without even taking out my headphones, I passed her by.
Half a good deed for the day.
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I'm wearing his Marley T :)
I called him too.
But I didn't want to be cheered up by someone.
So even if he had tried, it wouldn't have worked.
I wanted to cheer myself up.
Just to prove it's still possible.

Smiles appeared through a Jack Johnson song.
A live version which starts with him declaring the song 'happy'...
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My Valentine Song

This song deserves mention.
Somewhere.

Gotta Have You
The Weepies

Gray, quiet and tired and mean
Picking at a worried seam
Itry to make you mad at me over the phone.
Red eyes and fire and signs
I'm taken by a nursery rhyme
I want to make a ray of sunshine and never leave home

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

The road gets cold, there's no spring in the middle this year
I'm the new chicken clucking open hearts and ears
Oh, such a prima donna, sorry for myself
But green, it is also summer
And I won't be warm till I'm lying in your arms

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat

Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune... 

Glittering Teardrops

Chocolate dissolves pretty much any mood.
I spend a quater of my salary on it

I wanna know you inside out
All previous posts have a reason for why I'm writing
Still writing when it's not even witty or heart-wrenchingly sincere any more
This post is to prove me wrong.

There
You go
Again'

Sari Day pics are out

light up the world
smile
tears still left behind
where?

Easy

I'm waiting for something to make me smile.
I don't mind if it's your auto driver story or the one about the bad haircut
Just make me smile again
I stay at home when I depressed
No one sees me sigh

life gets easy from that point on
Like holding hands and touching knees
what would you make of me?
grow a little taller boy
So I can rest my head on your shoulder
grow a little taller
Her morning Elegance
Not mine

life gets easy after that point

Spring Cleaning 2oo!

I’m doing this cos I have nothing else to do plus this is a sort of clearing up weekend like any other. I clean my room. I clear my mind. I clean my phone. I clean up my facebook albums. And sometimes I clean up my music as well. Arranging, Organising, Sorting, Dusting, Throwing Away. This sort of thing. It’s not that I like doing it. But I do it well and I love the result.

It just started raining and this is a natural way of clearing the streets. Of people.

I lost my red umbrella last Friday. Not lost as much as gave it away. Let go.

My obsession was with the metaphor rather than the umbrella itself so I gave it away. 

Not for good. Just for now. 

Fools in love. Is there any other kind? Of fools or Love?

The Internet is down so I have to take a break from uploading and switch to MS word. Oh how I’ve missed ya!

So back to the msgs:

My phone’s been acting up cos I refuse to delete them.

So here goes:

'Mercury B. Faroukh Bulsara

5^th Sept 1946

Zanzibar

Her royal highness, Queen Elizabeth II was the surprised recipient of thousands of fan letters in 1976 when the GPO mistakenly delivered the mail to the wrong queen!'- Su

This is from Stones. The table in the corner just before the loo. It’s been ages since we sat there together.

There was this one night when I was lacking self-confidence and I needed other ppl to tell me just how special I am.

‘I wouldn’t change anything..In fact you’re so unique that I would not change anything in you..’ – Am

‘You being original. I won’t change that.. That’s what I was tryin to say in the previous msg..’- Am, 15.02.2010; 1:52 am.

I’ve made a new rule. I won’t keep any messages that are older than 6 months. That still leaves 11,290 of them but it’s still an improvement!

It seems the first smileys were in the bible long before ppl started using them on the internet.

‘Yes. Found one more in Hebrews Seven. Twenty One end.’- Leslie. 07-03-2010; 10:49am

Yes. The line is like this:

Ok thought I'd find my little black book and just look it up. But when I went to look for it, it just wasn't there. I thought I'd kept it with my Oasis collection and Dylan lyrics (both Bibles in their own right) but it's just disappeared!

Will have to do some Holmes-type research on this matter.

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‘Aww…miss u guys lots too.. Ker is not the same without chundalam boys and u J”- Su; 16-03-2010;12:01 am.

I’m going next weekend. Will miss them just as much!

‘3 nice stories.

1. Once, all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all people gathered only one boy came with an umbrella. That’s faith.
2. Example of the feeling of a 1 yr old baby. When you throw him in the air, he laughs becos he knows you will catch him. That’s trust.
3. Every night we go to bed, we have no assurance that we’ll wake up the next morning but still we have plans for tomorrow. That’s hope.’- Aban

Who am I kidding! I LOVE forwards J

Even the corny ones.

Funnily enough, I don’t have any sent msgs older than 5 months. That’s a shame!

26^th March 2010 was also the first day Tantan first msged me. So I’m just deleting all his msgs without a second thought. Unfortunate? Whatever! It’s about time already!

There’s one that says the way I dance shows I love loud music. That’s what he speculates. Haha…speculates! =D

There are even some which are from Su and Shar as I  update them. They say nice, encouraging things.

I’m the kind of person who needs to tell the whole world when something good is happening. Cos that somehow gives it accreditation. Somehow makes it real. Yeah I know it sounds ridiculous. It’s not like I need their opinions. It’s like by telling them what’s happening, I’m figuring out for myself how I feel about things. And that’s important. Just to put things in perspective.

So some of those msgs are like:

‘Ha ha! He must really like u!’ and ‘Flirt for all you’re worth woman!’

‘Happiness!’ I guess I’ve written enough about that word already!

Some people are just fascinated by me. It’s not love, it’s not even attraction. It’s just plain fascination. I’ve got used to it now. Still love it!

He just called, btw. To tell me we can meet after all this (smt at work) gets stabalised. It’s not like I can even say ‘He’s got his priorities mixed up’ cos Work and Family are on top of that list and that’s the way it should be, right?

I mean even though you’re young and most often juvenile, these are things you understand, inherently.

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Take you away I would if I could.

If you want to I could save you

Only if you want to.

But she don't mind no more

Will I ever save this man?

Why I even try?

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It turns out I can write this post about whatever I want now cos the rest of the msgs came after 10:30 pm and it's still 8:59pm here. K I'll admit I just don't want to delete them. What else you want from me?!

pah! How you torture yourself! :P

So no. I'm not going to write at all. Nothing comes to mind and I'd rather be uninspired than untruthful.

So bye for now.


You know there's something I've wanted to say for a very long time.
I would be happier if I did.
Control is very important to me.
Control in a game.
Control in a room.
Control when I'm drunk.
Control is just essential.
If I don't have it I don't do it.
That's just the way it works with me.
Get used to it.
Yeah. Thats all :)

Silver Shoes

Never hated anything more than WET TOES. Never loved anything more than WARM TOAST.


So I'm defying myself by defining myself.


I've been thinking in prose, singing in poetry.


You're my only release.


I want you there when I'm numbly watching TV.
I want you there when I have the wind in my hair.
I know I want you there.


It's not nice to know what you want and not let yourself have it.
I have serious superego problems I don't know how to deal with.
I've made up my mind and for once I'm sure.
I've made up my mind I can't want more.


It's hard to want something so much and not be able to fight for it.
I'm so used to not getting what I want I sometimes think I've just made peace with what I have.
Happiness is somewhere I decided to go cos I've been everywhere else before.

Inertia of Emotion

It ain't what you're looking for
It ain't where you're looking alright

I've never believed in planning
Life always leads you where it wants to
Why try harder.
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There are points where you realise that despite your hardest efforts you're still a 'grown up'.
And all your 'growing up' years you wanted to be this person you now despise!
I guess you were just looking for stability and then when you reach the plateau you want to go downhill from there. But there's cozy comfortable weather for a while.
And just for a while you realise
I want this to stay this way for a while.
I like it, just this part of it.
You don't dare use the words FOREVER or NEVER
Cos you've outgrown them.
You don't look back in anger
Cos Sally's much happier this summer than she was the last.
You don't look at yourself and see anything you'd like to change drastically.
And it dawns on you that no one or nothing could make you a different person
You'll sometimes be just a shade brighter than who you are today.
You'll often be a shade darker.
But who you are today is just a coat of paint.
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I realised soon enough that I wasn't running away from anything or anyone.
I wasn't running towards anything or anyone
I just wanted to run with nothing with someone
And since that's not happening
I'll run away on my own and find the right preposition on the way there.
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She's my mind washer
when I'm too upset to think she makes perfect sense
so much sense I want to kill her sometimes.
Yet I need reality checks like that.
All mirrors do.
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And no matter how hard you try, sparks are not something you can create, not something you will grow into. It either clicks or it doesn't.
If we did a compatibility test, we'd match like peas in a pod.
But that wouldn't prove a thing.
And it makes me sad to admit it.
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I was happy this morning.
The kind of happy that comes with an expiry date.
And soon enough the lull came.
The twist to a perfectly simple, fun day.
You can't say you weren't warned!
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The Girl Without the Red Umbrella

I've started this post so many times..it cant be tagged as free asscoiation anymore..

Remembering all he did and all he does to make me smile...and there're so many small reasons they cover up the need for a larger reason to adore him.Yet something seems out of place..the smiling reality/sincerity of it all makes it too good to be true and in a  strange way we know...we both know on some conscious level that this can't last...it shouldn't cos if it did one or both of us would be compromised and neither of us wants that...we like ourselves too much...just the way we are with all the gaping flaws...
I start thinking of ways it might end...ways i might end it and this seems even more senseless cos I know I love him too little to let go

I told u so!

Take a deep breath
And let it go..
Take another deep breath
And let it go..
Take a deeper breath,
Until it reaches ur soul,
With A deep dark sigh,
Just let it go...

As long as u try
As long as u know
U can tell urself
I told u so!

For the moon will still shine
As it always shone
The sun will still rise
For another dawn
So all u can do is look forlorn
Just take a deep breath
And let it go...

We both know that we're not forever and we're not meant to be. We're just together cos not being together would be a big waste of good chemistry!!

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On my way home
With a bubbling smile on my face
I looked out of the window at the billboards and I see pain
In all the poses, in all the eyes, pain.
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The road was untarred
But it was ours

And I could see him trying to destroy it
Frustrated,
I saved it from under a lorry,
I saved it.

And then his family came, his daughters,
'I left him out for 5 minutes, just 5', she says

I ignore the call from the boys landline, thinking to myself,
Today's a mess!
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Somedays you wake up happy and somedays you don't.
Somedays make you smile and somedays just don't!

The Enigma of Silence

I don't want to say anything.
I don't want to have to repeat myself.
I'll stay quiet for a long time until there's something worth saying.

Silence is enigmatic
Stay this way
I don't want to hear you speak.
Just silence.
There are too many things better left unsaid.
Just let me be this way.
Don't awaken those memories.
Let me sink and feel blank

Let my face speak
That frown's
Never coming down

And the silence says more
Shares more
Stares more
Than any amount of words.