Don't think that I won't miss you

Last 2 days here and I'm now excited I'm just more upset that its her last day. I've worked with her only for 3 months, but the best 3 months it's been. I wish for the someone who I can share my vision with as much as I did with her. It's difficult to find colleagues you get along with, much more difficult to find people who can translate your vision on paper.
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This is not one of those days but it's still just a day in the endless string of routine. I want to hang up my prettiest clothes in a walk-in closet and draw days around them. Each of them loving their own love stories.

I don't want to be thinking of what people would say or think. Of yesterday's wrongs and tomorrows wishes.

It hurts to think this is all my life is. I'm making it one of those days by just thinking of how senseless all this is. I'm lonely. I'm missing that bottle of wine and your face when you realize it's the cheap kind. Crying out to the full moon to do something other than remind me of how jealous I am of those who shine.
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Watched the Oscars yesterday and cried during the In Memorium when Robin Williams came up. It just became real and it was saddening. I remember hearing the news when I was at work and I couldn't express myself. But now no one was stopping me from bawling my eyes out. It just didn't make sense.
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Moments like this make me miss mom too. Cos she's the one who always had the remote. And even though I didn't always agree with her choices it was nice to have something more than blank walls when you had a random comment to make, like "Is Adam Lavine out of tune?" or "You won't get that unless you've seen the movie!"
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She'll be back in April and I'm thinking of moving out. It's just easier like this. Easier to let go. And then when it happens it won't hurt as much. It'll just be easier.
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Waiting on life to change

I feel empty and sad. As angsty as this sounds, it's true.

Everyone's left. I'm still here. Everyone else seems to have better things to do with their lives. I tried. I tried being more involved. More fulfilled, but it's that moment when you realize there's nothing more to life that earning enough to live and living enough to earn. And that's just about it.
It feels better when there's someone to hold on to. When there's someone to share a meal with, a joke with, the remote with.

I keep waiting for something life-changing to happen. Sometimes I wake up thinking it already happened and I missed it somehow. You know how people say that they live life to the fullest now cos they've been through a near-death experience. Yeah, like that. Not that anyone should wish that on themselves.

Waste of a Life

Spent the day watching wedding videos and pinning stuff to my wedding board. ;) Sigh!

It seems my life is on hold. Like someone's pressed the pause button and I'm waiting to play again. One day doesn't differ much from the other so they just become one blur.

I think maybe I've held back or let go or swung too hard or too slow. It's exciting and new and dull and dreary all at the same time.

It's raining and I haven't brought my umbrella to work but worse than that - I'm wearing my new loafers! Hope it stops by the time I have to leave.

I'm not living every moment to its fullest. I'm not seizing the day. But worst of all, I'm not the best of who I am. I'm just existing.

I keep waiting for something to happen. For something to come along and complete me. My Eureka! moment or whatever. When I go on holiday I kept expecting something to intrigue me, intrigue me so much that I would be able to abandon my life and dedicate it to something more meaningful.

I guess that's why I want to travel more. I'm still on the lookout for who I'm supposed to be. 

Blogging Away

I discovered a new blog of mine on Tumblr and migrated there.. yesterday! No, it does not explain my absence here. Nothing does. It's not a lack of interest. It's not a lack of things to write about. It's not even the lack of time or internet.
I guess I've just died inside. Making myself believe I was better than this and then being disappointed I penned down something mediocre. The truth is I'm average, exceedingly average. And I shouldn't expect much more out of myself. 

Resume rewritten

Resume rewritten
Sent to many monster jobs
Should send to Elijah
And? 
And I don't know what to do next! 
I got a lot of offers from monster. None that I would consider. 
I'm late to work today. Like really late. I'm supposed to be there by now. This is something I won't be able to do with my next job. 
I applied for two jobs. One in Jodhpur and one in Mauritius. Cos I'm bored. But I'm trying to avoid calls from unknown numbers. So I may have missed some important ones. Anyway it will work out if it has to. 
Applied to a job in Mauritius and they wrote back asking details of my work experience. I probably won't get it because it's a software company and I made it clear I have no training or experience in that. But it's exciting to think about. I even checked the currency of Mauritius and the cost of living there. 4 lacs per annum is a good amount. I'm quite interested to see how this will turn out.

COME UNDONE

Stuck in traffic on the way to work is a great time to write. This is one of the reasons I won't get a bike.
Went for a wedding reception and caught myself grinning all the way home.
Everyone's getting married or asking when you are. I'm not. How about that?
Hounddog. I like the way this comes up in the hound of Baskerville. I should watch the last episode of that. 
Coldplay's new song is in the life of pi. I'm not surprised. Just sad. I don't know what draws the line between underground and sell out but it's definitely not them!
I'll go for the concert if they do come to India. For old times sake I have to!

Spend the night with me

It's just odd that I won't ever say that to anybody else. Or is it?
I don't think of it that way. When I say I can't be bothered looking for another person to spend my life with, it doesn't mean I'm settling. It means I'm done looking.
I don't mind spending my whole life falling in love with him. He's my one and only. My mom called me that before my brother was born and I liked it.

Hi

I'm trying to write more often now and my head hurts. I think maybe I should wear my glasses on weekends also. What I really stared this note for is to tell you that I'm on the pill and it's driving me crazy. I bleed irregularly and it's annoying. I only get mood swings when I'm at the office. That's terrible I know it's not nice to be grouchy. Ok stop that's enough

Shut Down Time

It’s not time yet. I have strict rules as to when to turn off a computer and it’s not time yet. It’s time to fill in an empty sheet of paper with what you did today, how you felt about it and what you’re been thinking/dreaming of doing all day. Now unless I explain further, it’s going to sound absolutely mind boggling. But that’s just it. The day was simple. It rained. There was thunder. My red shoes had to be protected. Oh yes! I’ve migrated from red umbrellas to red shoes and I prefer the later. In any case the umbrella was hardly required when I took it out last weekend. I just let the trees do their job. Yes, now it is time to shut down. 11:22pm Tuesday 08, May 2012.

AHA Moments

23 Sept 11
I want to feel more me!
I don't like work me
I don't smile as much
and I want Oreos now.

3 Aug 11

I've never had stability and I don't care much for it.

25 July 11

I'm not sure

i dont have that comforting determination feeling at the pit of my stomach

I'm just not sure

and it has a lot to do with anxiety

21 July 11
I'm still the same person
It won't change it won't make me better
It wont relax me
I'm still lonely and needy and clingy
i still cry
i still type like a madman

6 months

I'm going to work towards it.

i have a goal now.

:)

12 July 11

Love is strange

love lingers

it's that tingly feeling at the pit of your stomach

it's the heartbreak at the end of a phonecall

Farewell Rakhee

Your grinning face, your working pace

Your hunger for food and knowledge

Your friendly wink, the way you think,

And all your handsome crushes

These are the things we’ll miss the most

About the girl from Trivandum coast!

  

All the best, Rakhee!

Thanks for everything!

Knowledge Management Team

Enchanting-Travels

Wild Things

I could change the widlest thing that didn't want saving

They might come back to you

Wild things sometimes do

Sharu Bday

Pencils

Jotted

Land

Shrinking

Etching

Sketched

Doing

No matter how 'ADULT' you get, you're still gonna be immortally beautiful, exceedingly intelligent, cynically witty, contagiously amusing and altogether way too much fun to be around. I LOVE YEW!!! *sloppy kisses and bear hugs*

 23 May 11

Who am I kidding

This isnt mixed feelings

Im unhappy

I cant be entirely happy

I lie when I say I'm thrilled

Dylan

I’ve been listening to Dylan music since….before I was born! My dad was a huge fan, so much so that ‘Forever Young’ became his epitaph. I remember being asked to copy out the song onto handmade paper as a child. The calligraphy version was pinned up in my room for years. Growing up, I remember listening to ‘Blowing in the Wind’, ‘Tamborine Man’ and particularly ‘It Ain’t Me Babe’ from old, worn-out cassettes. In college, when asked to read out my favourite piece of literature, I chose to take the treasured Dylan lyrics book out of the house and into the classroom. Even though Dylan has been recognized as civil rights activist, to me, he’ll always be the great lyricist whose music is absolutely timeless…Happy Birthday Dylan!

12 May 11

When they said ‘Save it for a rainy day!’, they meant today 

I thank the little girl who made me smile and make funny faces at her

I thank the red Volvo that splashed a whole puddle on me

5 May 11

They plastered blue glycerine over the windows.

The purple flowers look purposefully blue.

18 Apr 11

Summertime

and the living is easy

Enchanting 3ee

I wish I could tell you I'm playing Angry Birds and it's the only thing on my mind.
I'm not in the mood for small talk
I'll eat all the pasta myself if I have to
_________________________________________________________

Was on my way home
With a bubbling smile on my face
I looked out of the window at the billboards and I saw pain
In all the poses, in all the eyes, the same pained expression.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The road was untarred
But it was ours
And i could see him trying to destroy it
Frustrated,
I saved the laptop from being crushed by a lorry
And then his family came, his daughters
'I left him out for 5 minutes, just 5', she says
I ignore the call from the boys landline, thinking to myself, Today's a mess!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Somedays you wake up happy and somedays you don't.
Somedays make you smile and somedays you just don't!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mac

This keyboard has the keys

I'm not even writing 

I'm floating over the keys

It's almost as if I'm doing this randomly cos I want to block out what's going on

While I type this out there are people laughing, eating, breaking.

Flirting, faking, nothing.

Happyness

Hi Babyness,
How you been?
Lovely eh?
hehe
Happiness
Train on a track
Life's on track. The dog days are over.
Checkboxes. :D
The horses are coming.
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I feel like I have a goal now. a purpose. Something to work towards. to look forward too. It's thrilling :)

rhymes

Ironing jeans
Waiting on new dreams

Glowing embers
Shrinking Decembers

Checked Shirts
Grey Skirts

Enchanting 2oo

08/04/2011

I wish he would call
I'm not clingy or insecure but I wish he would call.

25/03/2011

A short good bye now

A short goodbye now

A short goodbye

We kissed at the busstop.

Kalasipalya!

That dutty place!

Thu!

24/03/2011

You make my heart skip beats

I want to wake up to you everyday

Just so I can hear you breathe

14/03/2011

The music helped. The rum, honey and chocolate mousse did nothing to deter.

I can’t say it was physical.

Take all our blind minutes together and make long, sultry summer days.

Come here my skinny love

Gimme some of your patience.

Loose yourself on me.

Tie me to you

I love you to extinction

08/02/2011                                                                                                       

Taking out the map and

Cut it up in pieces

Taped it up together with no space between us

04/01/2011   12:12 pm                                                                                  

get urself together woman

this is not allowed

its forbidden

just dont let it happen to u

it cant!!!!!

it's funny how pain eats pain

And if I were holding your hand you would know I'm unsure

But if you were holding it like you needed to

I would hold on like I never needed to let go.

he's slipping out of my fingers

I can feel it happening.

16/12/2010                                                                                                  


Why it's more awesome to be Dark Skinned:


1. You don't need to Wax as often!

2. You can wear tight shoes and the marks won't show.

3. Hickies are not as evident. Plus they heal faster!

4. Scratchmarks don't go red!

5. Guys don't look like babies once they shave.

6. Pimples are not as evident

7. You don't look pale and dead with no make up.

8. People don't go around pinching your cheeks.

9. You don't blush as much!

10. You don't get called Firang!

11. Crying is less evident.

12. Dark Circles are less evident.


I can think of only 2 disadvantages:

1. Black n white pictures don't look THAT great.

2. All colours don't suit you.

                                                                                                                            

Random Eyes

Remember we're alive
Use me tonight

No amount of Whiskey
No Wine
Sway to the rhythm of love
Pah Pah Pah Pah

Use me tonight
If it feels better to you
You can use me Darling
You can use me tonight
I've gotta have you
falling in two
Gotta have you

I wanna build a little igloo
Get up dup dup dup
Get me some money too
So much for that

I just got to see what's here
Baby I want you at my Summer
I want you to be mine

Lyrical Coda 2oo

You’ve got a secret smile for me

I know who I want to take me home.

Slow motion see me let go

If I turn into another

I’m not crazy I’m just a little unwell

These days are gone

There’s a little bit of something in me

And everything in You

You’ll find out if there’s someone to cry about

I gotta grip on myself and it feels nice.

You saved me the day you came alive

You come swimming into view

I carry you around in the background

I’ve never been so alive

I would like to build something

But you'll never see it happen.

Every little thing you do is tragic

Every direction leads me away

And All I want is to be home…

In Limbo

I dance on the street as I hear the latest fav and I wonder what he'd think if he knew I could dance this way.
-------
Last Kiss
I remember this one time in class he tapped me on the shoulder and asked if  I remember the lines of this song.
The first few words.
And we just couldn't no matter how many times we tried.
Hold me darling just a little while..
------------------
a swoon of peace
when i smile like that I know only you could put a twinkle in my eye.
Face me with your label.
Tell me you are what they tell me you are.
Be the label.
The sorrows behind
Bring a bottle of your pride
drown drown

he's awesome
don't wanna follow death and all of his friends
dont get stoned!
-------------

As many times I blink ill think of u tonight

I counted till ten turned off the lights and put my head to bed

Parnika

Low whispers

Nice evening

Hungry children

Mind over matter

Just you

Love no one

See me

Loop of fortune]

Jump van halen

King of castles

Hurry up and miss me

To sir with love

No one can deny

Me me me me me me

Low

Paint colours

Forever

Fit you

You were jaded

Some cant break you

And the best thing I never had

Dance

Look back 

-------------

The Girl with the Red Umbrella

you're giving me that look which says 'gimme a blanket, a bed and a way out of here'
I can be your superman tonight
to ride you across town or just as far as the shore
As far as you're sure
A part of me says let it go
Let everyday be the one before
Lay lady lay
His hands are dirty but his clothes are clean
And you're the best thing that he's ever seen
Stay lady Stay stay with your man a while....
I dont have the strength to carry you

Colour me Purple!

I'm writing this cos for a long time now I've wanted to write something without thinking too much about it and now seems like the only time to do so.

I miss her
I miss her everyday
Not every minute of everyday
But I miss her everyday

And this would be a song I'd dedicate to my mom:
'Have I told you lately that I love you?
Have you told you there's no one else above you...'

And she asked me today 'Where's your brother?'
And as always I answered 'I donno. I don't care'
Tonight she asked 'You wanna be one n only bachcha again?'
yes ma I wanna be your one n only again
Back to a time when it was just 3 of us
A time i would like to remember more clearly.

Have you ever missed someone while they were sitting right next to you?
Is it possible to be that nostalgic?
Today I found a picture of Mr Cubbon in my laundry basket.
You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you
Yes, I do wish he would come to Sports bar someday
But I so know he wouldn't get why I enjoy it so much
It's like I was telling Adi the other day 'It's like Sports bar is branded on our souls and there's nothing we can do about it'
And then he said smt I dint pay attention to
And then I said 'Why dyu sound like you're consoling me. I'm actually happy it's branded on our souls' :)
'We never go anywhere else...'
'And why should we? We get free entry, we know everyone here and we're treated like queens...'

And why should I try
Why should I decide
What if this part of it
Doesn't require a decision at all                                                                                                                                

I just dropped a whole load of leather polish on the keyboard. I don't think it did much cleaning but at least I got a new smell up my nose!
This sounds like one of those posts I should write with a cigarette in one hand and half a glass of rum in the other.
So no one knows my story of the red umbrella? no one?
I do remember telling someone but I don't remember who...for me it's always more about the telling than the listening.
And for a person who doesn't listen much, I did quite a bit of it today. Listening makes me sad. Yes, listening depresses me. And no matter what is being heard, I end up feeling a little left out by the end of it.
I don't have a roses and thorns list anymore. It's more like a boyfriend and potential boyfriend list..lol
Yes, I only said that for comedic effect! forget it already!

She always makes me wonder why I'm even alive
That's why I love her
You got to tell me your secret
Your secret of doing double the work in half the time
Your secret to looking so cool in sunglasses on a bus!
Your secret of carrying dried up pens in your bag and offering them to strangers who need to sign their buss passes
I gotta know! I gotta know how you do it all!
And still manage to smile
I've tried to be that woman so many times

One stupid hypothetical question...
You can think of it as rhetorical if you don't want to answer it...
Oh! freak it! I don't want to ask it anymore!
Why?
Well, I'll tell you why! Cos neither answer would make be feel any better.
Cos I know it's doomed and I've known for a while now.
Knew before you did at least.
'And isn't that the most dastardly way to break up with a person?!! The most impersonal, ridiculous thing u ever heard!!'
'Yes. Yes it is' Sigh
And I think I'm done for the day.
It's team lunch tomo. I hope they don't serve Biriyani again.