Swat Analysis

A tear rolled down her cheek and just before her vision blurred, she noticed a mosquito on the ceiling and wished she could be that small. Her world just a square inch of white wall.

Inertia of Emotion

It ain't what you're looking for
It ain't where you're looking alright

I've never believed in planning
Life always leads you where it wants to
Why try harder.
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There are points where you realise that despite your hardest efforts you're still a 'grown up'.
And all your 'growing up' years you wanted to be this person you now despise!
I guess you were just looking for stability and then when you reach the plateau you want to go downhill from there. But there's cozy comfortable weather for a while.
And just for a while you realise
I want this to stay this way for a while.
I like it, just this part of it.
You don't dare use the words FOREVER or NEVER
Cos you've outgrown them.
You don't look back in anger
Cos Sally's much happier this summer than she was the last.
You don't look at yourself and see anything you'd like to change drastically.
And it dawns on you that no one or nothing could make you a different person
You'll sometimes be just a shade brighter than who you are today.
You'll often be a shade darker.
But who you are today is just a coat of paint.
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I realised soon enough that I wasn't running away from anything or anyone.
I wasn't running towards anything or anyone
I just wanted to run with nothing with someone
And since that's not happening
I'll run away on my own and find the right preposition on the way there.
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She's my mind washer
when I'm too upset to think she makes perfect sense
so much sense I want to kill her sometimes.
Yet I need reality checks like that.
All mirrors do.
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And no matter how hard you try, sparks are not something you can create, not something you will grow into. It either clicks or it doesn't.
If we did a compatibility test, we'd match like peas in a pod.
But that wouldn't prove a thing.
And it makes me sad to admit it.
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I was happy this morning.
The kind of happy that comes with an expiry date.
And soon enough the lull came.
The twist to a perfectly simple, fun day.
You can't say you weren't warned!
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Long Loves the iliterate

'Hold me tight'-The Beatles

I'm listening to love songs
This year I'm way past that anti valentine spirit. The bitterness escapes. The sighs evaporate.

'I want to hold you'-Staind

He showed me the way to this blank page and painted it.
First orange, then red, then purple.

'Halloween on Christmas?'-Blink 182

I miss you, I really do. I miss being on that edge of myself, speaking my mind on that lovesick lullaby of a moment.
I still gave a soft mushy corner for all those blushful crushes.
But there is a line I recognise between long lasting attraction and fleeting moment of weakness.

I smile at my own maturity, walking beside the one I know so well, throwing him away. There are just a handful of people I'm possessive of and it's slightly surprising to realize he's one of them. I let go of the sand I gripped so tight.

February stars a new interest.
I jerk it off like sand shackled in a shell.

Love traps.
Hate frees.

And I don't know why this is what we believe.

Someone once told me "It takes a lot of strength to fall. To fall in love. To hit your knees on that hard wet ground and say 'I do, would you?' It takes a strong person to fall in love. The weak ones don't trust their hearts."
Coming from a teens mouth, from one hutch puppy to another, this seemed like a pretty regular statement. But 3 years later, it floats back to my selective memory system.

'And they're swimming around a concrete girl'

It sounds like an oxymoron to call myself strong. It feels so wrong when I control that tear.

'And we're standing on top of our hopes and fears.'

Conquered girl? A broken world around her embarrassed by her weak knees.

Now she needs not that protection from all wrong.

"I'm afraid I'm too fearless for a warrior. I'd scare him away with my own little fortress of will power." A princess who didn't start out as a lady in distress...Now that's a story untold!

I took my love down to Violet Hill,
There she sat in the snow.
All this while she was silent still.
If you love me, won't you let me know
Those three words are said too much, they're not enough.

I'd like to play lyrical coda until I reach a believable connection/conclusion.
Here's something I said to myself one morning and it pretty much sums up my current playlist.

How numb can you get?

To be illiterate
Of the art of love.

I confess to myself and to the little world that reads me that I am today unsure, uncertain yet eager. I am a clean slate. Never looking back in anger, fear or regret. Not ready to be worn out by cynics. Not available, caving in to the needs of many to please none of my own.
But here. Just me. Stripped of song, crying out in near desperation for something I always knew I had never properly understood. And when I do, I'll be fit to die.
While I'm here, living one breathe at a time, will anyone care to get the best of me?

Things Have Changed

I found this thing in an old chat I was reading
and I copied it to paste here
then it got lost
so anyway
since ur feeling ignored and all thought I'd pop in and say "Things Have Changed"
Oh Man! Things have changed! ha ha..I love that guy on moment of truth
yeah so i was saying..I'm still the muddled goes-round-in-circles-to-get-to-the-point mind
And I still need a new crush..well maybe not so much as a crush as a ..well..whatever..there's like too much confusion in that department
on the other hand..or should we say head...I have weird heat headaches..when i don't eat and sit out in the sun and they're paired with this weird backache too..its painful...
and the cure seems to lie in colourful gooey balls from Kerela...just sifting through them..crushing them in between my fingers...imagining being back there on that beach..on top of that lighthouse...on top of that hill...sigh...just that much relaxes me and then oops..one of them slips out of the bowl and I hear Naik's gooey ball song and smile inside myself, at myself.
I have to consciously make an attempt to unclench my jaw before I go to sleep...have I always been so tense?
And what am I so god damned tensed about? ok lets not go there!

I'm more complicated than a DIVX player..he he..gullsense..the school is back in action..I actually tried teaching Naik to say 'Awesum' the gull way today..lol..pat on the back apprentice...sigh..simpler times...

See this is why I say that we should know absolutely nothing bout the personal lives of musicians...just cos he's dating Jen An doesn't mean he's turned over to the dark side! he he..I kinda like her actually...may not have thought of that combo..but whatever..it's their life! and we should really just stay outta it! bloody page 3! & 4 and the whole BT!
lol..there's a whole industry out there that depends on things like this..and for all u know u may end up being part of it..he he...and then u'll read this post and go..."How things Change"
sigh...time..there's this nice thing I said about it...
"Time heals all wounds is a very hypocritical thing to say..But the past fades into the future and wounds have this way of wrapping themselves up in smiles and staying wrapped up for a long time..long enough to allow happyness"

I think this makes a lot of sense..see this is what I mean...only by healing another can I heal myself..all these profoundities only occur to me when I'm trying to 'be there' for someone..god! I so have to become a psychologist...my emotional life is in peril if I don't...
Yeah so I was saying this whole 'Time heals all wounds' theory..throw it out the window! It's bull!
Time heals no wounds
u can mope around in ur drunken ditch for days, weeks, months and it still wont help..u gotta get out there..with open wounds...ready for the salt to be flinged into them...cos that's what really tests u and treats u and tells u how strong u really are...and weakness is not measured by the tears u shed at the pain..but the cowardliness u show by taking cover in that ditch..
Abandon the ditch..it will hide u no more!
There! There's ur Profound post for the day/night

And I still have a lot on my mind...well at least state of blankness has taken a back seat..
It's a nice phase to be in..when nothing is on ur mind...when headaches take a back seat..when all u feel is a lack of happy feeling..not pms! just not high either...

Now its more back to 'normal'...the thinking headache is back..the one that keeps me up all night...the one that allows free write posts like this...the one that still insists on OCDing ur phone even when the toggle button thing is so totally fucked up...I did put normal in quotes, didn't I?

Well, you've gotta look on the brighter side..the slower music..the better pictures...the absolutely permanent 'dent' in ur bean bag... :)

U've acquired a healthy amount of selfishness...u don't need to give as much as u needed to in the past..this gives u more time with urself..to explore that licity of character that lives in u...and every time u think it's shaped for sure, some part of the iceberg melts, some level of water goes too low...some global warming perhaps...and then u have to change form again, I wonder if there'll be such a thing as an iceage when u stay invincible....moments of such strenght I see in ur future...ur bold enough to resist, to overturn that flake of a ship that rubbed u up the wrong way...but somewhere inside u still hold all those little pieces of soul u were responsible for killing..

Yeah, if u're reading this and dint understand ANY of the above, get used to it, this is how it's gonna be for a while...what?! it's better than the total writers block!

Sigh...

Sigh after sigh
High and dry
Happiness is not as momentary as they say it is
The desire for happiness lingers

Human desires buried in the grave....
But aren't human desires the very essence of human existence?

I need to need someone again
I know it sounds desperate
I know it's a vain pursuit
I just want to know that feeling again

I want to feel that fear again
That fear of letting someone know me too well
That fear of being too close to ever let go

Maybe I just need something to occupy my mind
A new passion
Not necessarily a person
But nothing fills the room like human presence

I shrink...I shrink into myself
Too consumed in the person I've been, the person I am, the person I'm becoming and the person I need to be ...
Too consumed in myself to need anyone else

Yes, it is just the mind and not the heart that yearns for newness
Give me something new to think about
I am inured to feelings anyway
Just keep my mind working
And my cold heart will follow its lead

Why does a dove always denote peace?
Why is icecream always sweet?
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philo

every prediction is a generalisation actually

but i've found that if u are superstitious and u keep on thinking bout it

it happens

and u cant run from it

its like gods shown u a piece of ur destiny but stolen the power to 'fix it'

then again everything is meant to be and it'll 'fix' itself later on if u believe