Exploring the Indian Education System

My mom's a teacher so I spent my childhood in 12 different schools, tasting a variety of education systems from nursery to high school. I've tried everything from Convent school to alternative education - was even home schooled for a while. Of course, it wasn't planned that way but I think this adventure has made me a more open and perceptive human being. 

I have been in a class of 3 and a class of 53, a class on a tea estate in Ooty and a class on top of the hills in Sahyadri. I've been in schools where we sang bhajans at assembly and others where we sang hymns. I've studied with children of well-to-do Mumbaikars and children of poor tea pickers. I've had teachers that believed in corporal punishment and teachers that believed in open book tests. The one thing I've learnt from all of them is that you can excel at anything you put my mind to and whether you top the class or fail math by 1 mark, the most important thing is to be an honest person. 

My mom says she experimented with us as kids, putting us through different experiences to mould us into better human beings. Every school taught us something different whether it was learning braille or sign language, learning Kannada or Esperanto, we were always encouraged to give it our best. When I started at the convent school at the age of 13, 'normal' was an overrated word. I had no idea how average I was, 'cos I was always treated as a unique individual. Even after I completed high school, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was special and different from everybody else.

Today, when I read stories about inspiring people, I feel small and unaccomplished. I sometimes feel like I'm not living my dream. I often say I want to travel the world and explore new places and people and food and cultures. But the truth is I could die a happy girl just knowing I inspired someone, anyone.

Currently, I volunteer part-time for an NGO that's involved in educating underprivileged children and I look forward to having a child of my own one day to experience how the education system has evolved since I was a kid. I know what it's like to be brought up by someone who refused to settle for second best and I'm grateful that she inspired me to be my own person and follow my own path, wherever that may lead. 

Ultimately, everything that you explore teaches you something about yourself and my experience has taught me that there's always more to explore. 

Taboo 2.0

When I was little, my mom ran a nursery school from the front room of our house. It was a well-lit space with a large window facing the front yard. Below the window was a little fold up table where I used to practice my ABC's. I remember understanding the whole concept of the alphabet at that very table.

Years later, that was the exact same spot at which I gave up my virginity. Of course the fold up table was now a fold up bed and the large window had curtains. But it was still the same exact spot and the same kind of revelation. 

Notice the way I said 'gave up' instead of 'lost' my virginity. Lost implies I'll be able to find it again. It also implies I was quite careless with it, which surely wasn't the case. It took hours of phone sex before I even reached that point. Not to mention the first few nights of foreplay!

Lost also implies that I miss it now that it's gone. I lost my watermelon lip gloss when I was in high school and I still miss that. But I've never missed my virginity. Not for a second. I don't think any girl ever has.

So I gave it up. A good thought-out giving up like giving up my favourite pair of jeans that didn't fit anymore or giving up that aerobics class I never really got the hang of. 

It was the day I quit being a virgin. And it wasn't exactly life-changing or life-thretening. It was simple and intuitive and a choice. 

I like my choice. I like the timing, the man, the location, the decision to go without a condom. Oh yes, we went au natural! But it was worth it. It still is.

I remember a time when the first day of my period was jut gross and uncomfortable. But ever since I gave up my virginity, it's nothing but a relief! I think switching over to tampons also had something to do with it. 

I've been on the pill for 9 months now, 7 if you don't count the months I broke the cycle. Yes, I self medicated, 'cos the gyno I went to was too judgy and I couldn't bring myself to confide in her, which is a pity 'cos I deserve some professional advice.

Ultimately growing up is a journey of self-discovery and even though I don't particularly like being an adult, I like finding out new things about myself. I now know that I'm against abortion, I want a daughter someday and I definitely don't want my virginity back!

Bucket List

30 days no coffee
Be part of a flash mob
Be an extra in TV/ Film
Dye My hair
Complete a crossword puzzle
Dine by candlelight only
Do a 24 hour fast
Email a friend I haven't heard from in a while
Find an interesting ancestor (genealogy)
Find a four leaf clover
Floss more
Fly a plane
Get lost in a great book
Give Blood
Go fishing
Go jet skiing
Go on a hot air balloon ride
Go on a no budget spending spree
Go on a spa holiday
Go on holiday by myself
Go rollerskating
Go skinny dipping
Go to a farmer's market
Go to a concert
Go to a jazz club
Go to a museum
Go to a planetarium
Go to a strip club
Go to the Opera
Go SCUBA diving
Go to the Theatre
Go zip lining
Go to a yoga class
Have a fish pedicure
Have a picnic
Have a spa day with friends
Have a sleepover with friend(s)
Holiday in a caravan
Host a dinner party
Learn to Swim
Karaoke with BFFs
Kiss in the rain
Leave my hand prints/initials in wet concrete
Fit into all my clothes
Make a time capsule
Make a new friend
Make out in a changing room
Movie night with friends
Party on a boat
Play a musical instrument
Play strip poker
Plant a tree
Learn to Drive
Run/Walk a 10k
Sing in the rain
Stay unemployed for 30 days
Stay up all night
Learn to Cook
Take a spontaneous road trip
Take a wine tasting tour
Throw a dart at a map and go where it lands
Visit a Buddhist Temple
Visit Venice
Volunteer
Walk for cancer
Watch a Sunrise
Visit Australia
Visit Canada
Write a handwritten love letter
Publish a book

Don't think that I won't miss you

Last 2 days here and I'm now excited I'm just more upset that its her last day. I've worked with her only for 3 months, but the best 3 months it's been. I wish for the someone who I can share my vision with as much as I did with her. It's difficult to find colleagues you get along with, much more difficult to find people who can translate your vision on paper.
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This is not one of those days but it's still just a day in the endless string of routine. I want to hang up my prettiest clothes in a walk-in closet and draw days around them. Each of them loving their own love stories.

I don't want to be thinking of what people would say or think. Of yesterday's wrongs and tomorrows wishes.

It hurts to think this is all my life is. I'm making it one of those days by just thinking of how senseless all this is. I'm lonely. I'm missing that bottle of wine and your face when you realize it's the cheap kind. Crying out to the full moon to do something other than remind me of how jealous I am of those who shine.
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Watched the Oscars yesterday and cried during the In Memorium when Robin Williams came up. It just became real and it was saddening. I remember hearing the news when I was at work and I couldn't express myself. But now no one was stopping me from bawling my eyes out. It just didn't make sense.
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Moments like this make me miss mom too. Cos she's the one who always had the remote. And even though I didn't always agree with her choices it was nice to have something more than blank walls when you had a random comment to make, like "Is Adam Lavine out of tune?" or "You won't get that unless you've seen the movie!"
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She'll be back in April and I'm thinking of moving out. It's just easier like this. Easier to let go. And then when it happens it won't hurt as much. It'll just be easier.
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Waiting on life to change

I feel empty and sad. As angsty as this sounds, it's true.

Everyone's left. I'm still here. Everyone else seems to have better things to do with their lives. I tried. I tried being more involved. More fulfilled, but it's that moment when you realize there's nothing more to life that earning enough to live and living enough to earn. And that's just about it.
It feels better when there's someone to hold on to. When there's someone to share a meal with, a joke with, the remote with.

I keep waiting for something life-changing to happen. Sometimes I wake up thinking it already happened and I missed it somehow. You know how people say that they live life to the fullest now cos they've been through a near-death experience. Yeah, like that. Not that anyone should wish that on themselves.

Wedding Season

Dreamt that I ruined my own wedding. I forgot to pick up the wedding dress! :-O

As if wedding is not on my mind already, I see my friends 'dropping like dominos' at the aisle/mandappa! 'When are you getting married?' is an expected conversation starter now. Even my mom brought it up and instead of letting it be a good question I just shrugged it off.

Telling an old colleague: 'All my friends are getting married'
To which he replies: 'All my friends are having kids'

So I guess it's just that time in our lives and we can do nothing to stop it or slow it down. Does it make me feel grown up? yes. old? sometimes. But most of the time it's exciting. Even the thought of 'I'm next!' is exciting and not terrifying.

I take comfort in the fact that it's easy for me. You don't hear a love story like mine everyday. but when you do, you have to thank god, you're on this side of the fence.

Waste of a Life

Spent the day watching wedding videos and pinning stuff to my wedding board. ;) Sigh!

It seems my life is on hold. Like someone's pressed the pause button and I'm waiting to play again. One day doesn't differ much from the other so they just become one blur.

I think maybe I've held back or let go or swung too hard or too slow. It's exciting and new and dull and dreary all at the same time.

It's raining and I haven't brought my umbrella to work but worse than that - I'm wearing my new loafers! Hope it stops by the time I have to leave.

I'm not living every moment to its fullest. I'm not seizing the day. But worst of all, I'm not the best of who I am. I'm just existing.

I keep waiting for something to happen. For something to come along and complete me. My Eureka! moment or whatever. When I go on holiday I kept expecting something to intrigue me, intrigue me so much that I would be able to abandon my life and dedicate it to something more meaningful.

I guess that's why I want to travel more. I'm still on the lookout for who I'm supposed to be. 

Phoenix Rising

I came here to write.

It's been a year since I moved to Gurgaon. Exactly a year since I climbed on that plane and landed here.

It's been a scary year, an exciting year, a heart-breaking year, a self-discovering year. But I'm here.

And I like who I have become this year. I used to go down this path of self discovery more often when I was younger. But today it is varied and weird.

I'm wired on the world wide web too tightly. I spend way too much time online.
I have less face-to-face conversations than online ones. And I am a Social Conversation Manager. I have conversations as if I am a brand. It's strange? yes. But this brand stands for a girl much like me, so it comes naturally to me.

I'm scared of taking up a brand that I would not relate to. If I get into a Digital Marketing Agency, I might not have a choice.

My Bojangles keeps me happy. I'm still deeply connected to music. But the playlists in my head have stopped. I miss the long bus rides of Bangalore. I miss that alone-in-a-crowd feeling. I have it sometimes now over the weekends when I catch the metro to go see my mom.

Last week someone just asked, "What perfume are you wearing?"
Just out of the blue, without so much as a hi-hello.
"Oh..er..sorry..um...Little Waters..by Davidoff"
I stammered out of shock.
"It's good", she said

Strange 'cos when I thought about it and I know it's called Still Waters and I wanted to correct myself and tell her that I had mixed it up. But I decided to just let it go. She sat next to me the entire metro ride to Rajeev Chowk, but we didn't utter another word to each other.

I don't understand how human beings can speak to people miles away on their little mobile phones, but can't name their next door neighbors. It's strange and I don't like it. It really upsets me.

I've been dealing with a severe case of insomnia for the past week. Maybe it's the weather change, maybe it's stress, maybe it's just me. I tend to have these strange creative phases once every 2-3 years. The last one was when I was falling in love with my soul mate, 3 years ago. That was a different high.

This one is more about falling in love with who I'm going to be. 'Cos finally I know who that woman is going to be.

I'm not going to let my potential go unnoticed again.
I'm never going to stay unproductive.
I'm never going to settle for a 9-5.
I will always experiment with clothes.
I will always shop impulsively.
I will always spend on lasagne.
I may always have a tummy as well.
And I'm good.

I will cry.
I will be a wreck sometimes.
I will allow myself to be just who I am.
I will not apologize for being me.

I will learn to keep personal life separate from office life.
I will learn to keep colleagues separate from friends.
I will know the difference.
And I will know when to mix and match.

I cannot hide from society and it's norms.
But I will not follow all of them.
Just the ones that don't hinder me from being myself.

I'm fierce.
I'm passionate.
I'm emotional.
I'm creative.
I'm innovative.
I love change.
I believe in chaos.
As much as I believe in growth.

I'm not a reader of books.
I'm not a writer yet.
One day I will publish a book.
One day I will have a family.

I will leave a legacy.
I already have.

Blogging Away

I discovered a new blog of mine on Tumblr and migrated there.. yesterday! No, it does not explain my absence here. Nothing does. It's not a lack of interest. It's not a lack of things to write about. It's not even the lack of time or internet.
I guess I've just died inside. Making myself believe I was better than this and then being disappointed I penned down something mediocre. The truth is I'm average, exceedingly average. And I shouldn't expect much more out of myself. 

Settle Down

Let's try this. Lets try writing someone a letter. Let's start with the first person in your address book.

Dear Abi Aunty, It's been ages since I wrote to you! Do you still have breast cancer or did the last operation do the trick? How's Alina's grand mom and whatever happened to their cats? Do you still play bridge tournaments with Uncle Bob? We had a friend from Australia visit recently. She knew mom before I was born so it's nice to hear stories of mom and dad's good ol' times while she was around. Her son, Sam is Zohrab's age and hasn't given up his bratiness and cracker-craze even after all these years. As kids, he teamed up with my brother, smuggled 20 boxes of aussie candy into a tent and ate them all in a day! This time he brought his girlfriend who was so very polite and well-behaved, I think mom wanted to adopt her by the end of their stay!

Dear Abha Sah, We're sorry Sam's pants are still with you. I recently realised one of my friends from Pune was going to Oz in Jan and could have easily taken it back with him. If mom had just let me think clearly instead of couriering them to you in Mumbai we wouldnt even be having this conversation!! Anyway, I gues you could give them away to anyone who would put them to good use!

Dear Shake! Is your beard still chest-long and shaggy? We missed you at Su's budday dinner. Actually her mom missed you most and so did the lonely bowl of gajar halwa! Wish you were still around or at least kept in touch more often. I have that link to your flickr gallery in my FB inbox. Must go check it out now! 

PS: I still regret losing our Komodinator comic book! 

 Hi Osho! My boyfriend wanted to join the Osho community online! any advice? ;) Heard you're dating a familiar Bangalore-based RJ, how's that going for you? I wish I didn't sound so bitter but I still remember you as the bald-headed whiner who broke my friend's heart! 

Hi Alina, Ah, I should go back and watch your wedding video again! :) How's Glenn? Saw something about his new store..the car parts thing..on FB...tell me more about it. Are you in Toronto now? Vancouver? Or in the US? I've lost track...

Hi Pinto, Sir, I remember you telling me I look happier and calmer after I'd started working. I wonder if you've got your Phd yet! Your blog still running?? And I have half a mind of digging out that infamous Optional Eng paper and reading it again. You remember the one in which I failed by 2 marks and you refused to submit my answer sheet to the Exam dept cos of the obscenities I'd written?! I'm still wondering what YOU really thought of it and why you floated the idea of doing a paper on it, which was of course shot down by Sudhamshu, who thought I was looking for those extra 2 marks to pass the crappy mid-terms! Anyway, I hope you still have that mug I painted for you and hope you wife is loving the mickey mouse balding pattern. Cheers!

Hi Arpi, I'm not sure who you are! must be one of those autosave contacts that Gmail thought she was doing a favour for. Maybe you're from my old forwarding list. Hmmmm.

Hi Asma, You must be creeped out my the fact that I remember your grandmom was half parsi. Also, my view of you completely changed after I met Brian and saw what you made of him. Yeah, I do blame you and I am taking the boy's side. For once! But I still think you write awesomely, look great on your Gtalk profile and are the only sensible Google reader in town. Are you even in town...sounds like you're in Mumbai most statuses...

Hi Ayesha, I'm still in love with your perfect little face. So pretty and oh-so-enigmatic. You were the best senior prefect ever. Made it difficult to fill your shoes.