Cry

It's funny that the theme for this week's photo contest is crying.
I spent an afternoon doing it and it didn't make me feel any better..like it sometimes does.
I feel empty and shapeless
I sound haunted and angsty again
I haven't cried this hard in a long time
It's not an alcohol induced pain relived
It's real and it won't go away
This blog's been filled with happy posts lately
and I HAVE been happy lately
I just need to cry now
Go away
Don't bring tissue paper
Just make it go way
Put it off
Enough.
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He's mine.
It's alright if I send him train confirmation messages
I can be insecure with him
I can show him I'm insecure about some things
I can be weak with him
Isn't that what you wish for sometimes?
Someone you can be weak with?
Someone who'll love you for your greatest insecurities...
And help you realise you've always had the strength to not only hide but fight them.
That's who he is for me now. and I know I can't give him up.
a drug that does that for you is indispensable...A person...

So I'm here writin...

An emptiness
that is for sure

I don't know who he was or what he would become
I don't know what I want him to grow into
Let's just say nothing
Emptiness captures it

Clicked again
Almost lost

Instead of doing
I...
Yes
How do I save it?
sigh

Glass Leaves

I put my toes into the water...onto the rocks..rubbed some silt off...found my grounding..stepping skillfully toe by toe...
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I was sitting there peacefully..with my fork in the chocolate..wishing they'd change the music...wishing someone would call...but mostly wishing I wasn't wishing at all!
And as I sat there peacefully, a frown appeared on my face. It lingered on my lips as I tucked in the last piece of Dutch Truffle. It lingered on my lips as I picked up my Fab-India paper bag and walked outta the place. It lingered while I got on a bus and paid the conductor. It was still there when I saw the baby fall asleep in her mothers lap. It was still there when I updated my facebook status to 'Swalpa Sad' and even as I reached home and locked the gate, it refused to let go away.
And I kept wondering where it had come from cos when I left the office I was happy, genuinely happy! Double Woohoo Monkey Happy!!! dyu know how happy that is?
I tried to remember the lines of 'Are you Lonesome Tonight?' just to cheer myself up. I swung the paper bag around and almost hit myself with it. And then I turned the volume up and Wonderwall-ed my way home.
What finally made me smile was dancing in the kitchen, just dancing in the kitchen! With no one watching, just me, dancing in the kitchen!
Strange? Sigh...There are stranger things that have made me smile...but this was precious, in it's own little way :)
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Of all things, who knew THIS ^ would make me break my blogging silence! I always thought it would be the jeep ride and the traffic light...

A Wrinkled Tear

It starts in the last drop of dusk just before the porch lights are turned on. And as the visiting neighbour pours herself another cup of tea, it trickles down her fifth wrinkle, the one that made her give up on anti-aging cream.
As it becomes more obvious, you battle the urge to go over and hold her the way you did at the cemetery. You remember the story of the child who drowned in the well. She always brought an extra bunch of flowers for that tiny grave as well.
And now her hollow cheeks are wet, yet, her hands remain in her lap, you remain in the cane swing and the neighbour reaches for the remaining biscuit. A dip, a crunch, a shuffle of feet. A tear shed, a sorrow too deep. It is here, in this beautiful, sad silence, you start to admire her courage, her simplicity, her dignity...for who can say why her heart cries? Where her mind lies? How her tear dries?

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This post is dedicated to my Nani. My precious old, not-even-related-to-me, Nani! Over the years, I've seen her laugh, I've seen her cry, I've seen her bear burdens no one should ever have to. She has lead a good life and I'm sure she'll walk into heaven with her gray head held high. It makes me sad to think of the day I'd be standing at her grave and needing someone to hold me tight. I hope I remember to bring that extra bunch of flowers.
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Sad Song

Nothingness and Misery go hand in hand

One puts its arm around the others shoulder

And they walk down the winding road

They reach a bridge

And cry the river full

They search for stones

To weigh themselves down

They talk of Passion and Peace

As long lost friends

They talk of suicide

As a means to an end

They pass moaners

Dole out some tears

And to the loaners

They give new fears

Heavy hearts and glistening eyes

Hollow moans and constant sigh

Not an inch of mercy, not litre of pride

Mission complete, out they stride.

Munch On It

Cos that’s what friends do!

They put a coat over their pajamas and take a taxi downtown just to make sure you’re not alone on New Years Eve.

I watched Sex and the City again and it made me miss the first bunch of girlfriends I made in college. I can’t go comparing myself to Carry Bradshaw, but I’d say we had our fun and flaws just like the women in the movie.

It makes me itch to think what the next chapter would have read if we had stayed friends.

It started at Sweet Chariot on tissue paper and ended up in the empty carton for the shredding machine. The Munches disintegrated much like unused tissue in an old cardboard box. I can’t quite point my finger on a day, an event, a person and say ‘That’s what happened.’I guess I blame myself most of the time.

It’s easier to talk about the good times and so I will. Starting with our first sleepover at Shar’s and ending with Wonderla, cos that’s the last time I can remember having fun with you guys.There are still some things only we would GET. Like ‘Bleachers’ or how long it takes to get into ethnic day sarees! We rarely ever talked without throwing in Oshisms, Nuards or the number 74! I think I may still have some of our ‘witty banter’ text msgs saved in some old diary.

I didn’t mean to make this a nostalgic rant wrapped in guilt but that’s probably what it is. I don’t know if it’s my loneliness or joblessness which is prompting me to walk down this road but I’m kinda glad I did.

Thanks for all the good times. It’s impossible to forget the richness you brought into my college life and whether it was Awing over PK or cursing Abhaya, I’ll always remember how each of you let me be me. Mwah! And Good Night!

Let Her Cry

I don't know why
I don't know why
I just need to let this out
I don't need you to help me figure out why
I just need you to be there
Just sit
On the other side of the line
And hear me cry

Sigh...

Sigh after sigh
High and dry
Happiness is not as momentary as they say it is
The desire for happiness lingers

Human desires buried in the grave....
But aren't human desires the very essence of human existence?

I need to need someone again
I know it sounds desperate
I know it's a vain pursuit
I just want to know that feeling again

I want to feel that fear again
That fear of letting someone know me too well
That fear of being too close to ever let go

Maybe I just need something to occupy my mind
A new passion
Not necessarily a person
But nothing fills the room like human presence

I shrink...I shrink into myself
Too consumed in the person I've been, the person I am, the person I'm becoming and the person I need to be ...
Too consumed in myself to need anyone else

Yes, it is just the mind and not the heart that yearns for newness
Give me something new to think about
I am inured to feelings anyway
Just keep my mind working
And my cold heart will follow its lead

KING KONG!

I could tell by the way she was driving, she was thinking about it too
"Ape"
"Planet Of The Apes"

"Monkey!"
"Monkey business?"
"Gorilla"

"Orangutan!!"
"Climbing?"
"Ladder!"
"Jacobs ladder!"
No! No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Give us Intolerable cruelty, Reasonable doubts, even freaking Bridge over the River Kwai! and we would have got it!
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A most disappointing moment
Cant believe I smiled so soon after it
So proud of him Of them!
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Nervousness
There's a man in my throat
His heart beats
He's nibbling his nails
His tie is undone I gulp 

^Pre-DC-Sum inspired poem
Thu! My rubbish comp dint save the blehness of the rest of this post...
Attempts to recapture blehness:
1. We wanted to poison everyone with mug noodles.
2. The team that should be eliminated from the face of this earth
3. Not my favourite person in the world. My way 0f saying I want him dead!
Not working! ok..I'll tell you who really made me smile that day....VAIK & VIVEK! Sigh...wait I'll show you...
Convo extract no 1: vivek: u lost n dumb charades??

me: ;( yeah..very disappointedits a big deal for us

we were confident of placing

9:59 PM would have gone to pondi if we had

vivek: oh

me: :(

vivek: dnt wory ul win nxt tym

me: there is no next time

we're in third year

10:00 PM this was our last chance

vivek: me n vaik 1 team

u n su!

me: aaww

okie!!

ull so lose!

he he

vivek: u'l loos agn

10:01 PM big tym

me: lol!

no we wont!

grin

vivek: playn against the vaik n vek duo

10:02 PM me: lol

vivek: y u lol?

10:03 PM me: cos viv and vaik are the bestest sweethearts in the whole wide world!!

hugs!

vivekcv1988: v no..

10:04 PM me: :D  

Convo Extract No 2 me: i cant wait for u to get back

vaisakh: i miss u ppl

me: we would have got nicely drunk if u were here today

9:57 PM sigh

vaisakh: :(

me: i know

vaisakh: ah! no getting drunk n all....!

but den i cud have done something to make u ppl feel better

me: really?

what would u have done?

9:58 PM vaisakh: hmmm...plan a trip to nandhi 2mrw! or sit at corner house d whole day...till they close n drop both of u back home

9:59 PM a nice ride on d 200! :)

me: aaawww

vaisakh: feeling better?

me: yeah

happy tears  

See! I told you they're the bestests! :) On that note, before the par-comp-destroying monsters take over this comp as well...click publish post!