Inertia of Emotion

It ain't what you're looking for
It ain't where you're looking alright

I've never believed in planning
Life always leads you where it wants to
Why try harder.
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There are points where you realise that despite your hardest efforts you're still a 'grown up'.
And all your 'growing up' years you wanted to be this person you now despise!
I guess you were just looking for stability and then when you reach the plateau you want to go downhill from there. But there's cozy comfortable weather for a while.
And just for a while you realise
I want this to stay this way for a while.
I like it, just this part of it.
You don't dare use the words FOREVER or NEVER
Cos you've outgrown them.
You don't look back in anger
Cos Sally's much happier this summer than she was the last.
You don't look at yourself and see anything you'd like to change drastically.
And it dawns on you that no one or nothing could make you a different person
You'll sometimes be just a shade brighter than who you are today.
You'll often be a shade darker.
But who you are today is just a coat of paint.
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I realised soon enough that I wasn't running away from anything or anyone.
I wasn't running towards anything or anyone
I just wanted to run with nothing with someone
And since that's not happening
I'll run away on my own and find the right preposition on the way there.
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She's my mind washer
when I'm too upset to think she makes perfect sense
so much sense I want to kill her sometimes.
Yet I need reality checks like that.
All mirrors do.
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And no matter how hard you try, sparks are not something you can create, not something you will grow into. It either clicks or it doesn't.
If we did a compatibility test, we'd match like peas in a pod.
But that wouldn't prove a thing.
And it makes me sad to admit it.
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I was happy this morning.
The kind of happy that comes with an expiry date.
And soon enough the lull came.
The twist to a perfectly simple, fun day.
You can't say you weren't warned!
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It's one of those days when you leave home with wet hair thinking you're gonna be superlate and you turn up before everybody else and feel real stupid for not bringing a comb.




No surprises waiting for you, no pleasant welcomes - no fuss - and there's a part of you that prefers this.



In front of you is an obstacle, an anthill for a child, a volcano for an adult.



I dip my fingers in the flame.

I dip my fingers in the flame.

Knowing in another 9 months

Even this will be mundane.

Of Wishes and Waffles

I gave up dreaming for a while
I gave up dreaming for a while

I wish I’d stop thinking too
Stop thinking of times when I’ve done things to sabotage myself
Times I’ve done things which make me unhappy

I wish I’d start worrying again
I wish I had something worth worrying about
Or even someone

I don’t want you to love me
For a person who wants to be loved more than anything in the world
That’s a difficult thing to say
But I really don’t want you to love me

‘What do I smell?’
‘Despair, mortality and paralysing fear’
‘Oh, I thought it was waffles’

Be Alive, now or never
Live now
Cos soon enough
Now
Will be Then
And you’ll start to think
You could have done more
With NOW
If you had done more
THEN

Once Upon a Time...

Life feels like the beginning of a fairytale, when the fair maiden is trapped in a tall tower by an ugly witch...or a cruel step mom makes her scrub floors, darn clothes, chop wood...or overcome by motionless slumber she lies in the middle of the woods awaiting that special kiss.

I sit here as if I have no choice but to sit here.
I work hard as if all I can do is work hard.
I talk to people as if I care about people.
I stay doing the things I know I don't want to be doing simply because I don't know what it is that I'd rather be doing.

I want to find out what it is that keeps me alive, what makes me tick, what makes be wake up every morning and breathe through the day.
I talk of myself as a stranger.
I want to get to know me.

For now, I snuggle in my gold sweater and itchy as it is, I'm comfortable.
A split second of darkness makes things clearer.

I don't want to be the person who sits around waiting for things to happen to me.

Showing the world who i am involves knowing who I am in the first place. Knowing what I want.
Everyone around me seems to be doing what they want to do with their lives or at least on the way there. I'm not even close to knowing what it is that I want. It can get frustrating and sitting around waiting for realisation to strike. It's an old game I don't feel like playing for another 365 days.

Each of the fair maidens lived by waiting for their happy endings which involved a stimulus like a fairy godmother or 7 dwarfs or long silky hair and ended with a Handsome Prince sweeping her off her feet.
Then again, I'm no fair Maiden and my story's not going to end with a 'And they all lived happily ever after'
I think it would make me happy if it just ended with 'And she lived'.

Wake Up To Whoever You Are

You're on the grey line…the line between Love and Hate, Pride and Self-doubt, Narcolepsy and Insomnia, Ambition and Sloth…

Nothing defines you completely and yet the fact that you're grey defines how you live.
You used to be this 'Crusher' chasing love, never knowing if you're worth it. Then love chased you and you redefined things.
You're not sure whether to play Babylon or Champagne Supernova. Cos both could make you extremely happy or extremely depressed.
It's that time of the year again when being single comes with a bittersweet stigma.
You re-evaluate your relationships, clear your 'room' and make space for yourself. You're just not sure how much space to allot, how much you're worth, how much they think you're worth.
But you're not the leader of the Anti-Valentine day Campaign either. The wounds have healed, slowly. Are they ready for the new world?
The 'I-wanna-break-free'ness of 2008 seems too exuberant at times, too daring.
I know I'm worth it and I know I can get it. But how much do I really want? Could I do without it?
Sigh...Can't hide from myself for too long. He may make me feel guilty and part of me believes him but I've put it behind me and I should allow myself to live and love. I need someone who can make me feel wanted, special. The concept of 'ideal' doesn't need to conform to 10th std, Shania-Twainish romanticism! But that girl is still alive in me and she doesn't want to stay in the cynical well any longer.
Free her!

Things Have Changed

I found this thing in an old chat I was reading
and I copied it to paste here
then it got lost
so anyway
since ur feeling ignored and all thought I'd pop in and say "Things Have Changed"
Oh Man! Things have changed! ha ha..I love that guy on moment of truth
yeah so i was saying..I'm still the muddled goes-round-in-circles-to-get-to-the-point mind
And I still need a new crush..well maybe not so much as a crush as a ..well..whatever..there's like too much confusion in that department
on the other hand..or should we say head...I have weird heat headaches..when i don't eat and sit out in the sun and they're paired with this weird backache too..its painful...
and the cure seems to lie in colourful gooey balls from Kerela...just sifting through them..crushing them in between my fingers...imagining being back there on that beach..on top of that lighthouse...on top of that hill...sigh...just that much relaxes me and then oops..one of them slips out of the bowl and I hear Naik's gooey ball song and smile inside myself, at myself.
I have to consciously make an attempt to unclench my jaw before I go to sleep...have I always been so tense?
And what am I so god damned tensed about? ok lets not go there!

I'm more complicated than a DIVX player..he he..gullsense..the school is back in action..I actually tried teaching Naik to say 'Awesum' the gull way today..lol..pat on the back apprentice...sigh..simpler times...

See this is why I say that we should know absolutely nothing bout the personal lives of musicians...just cos he's dating Jen An doesn't mean he's turned over to the dark side! he he..I kinda like her actually...may not have thought of that combo..but whatever..it's their life! and we should really just stay outta it! bloody page 3! & 4 and the whole BT!
lol..there's a whole industry out there that depends on things like this..and for all u know u may end up being part of it..he he...and then u'll read this post and go..."How things Change"
sigh...time..there's this nice thing I said about it...
"Time heals all wounds is a very hypocritical thing to say..But the past fades into the future and wounds have this way of wrapping themselves up in smiles and staying wrapped up for a long time..long enough to allow happyness"

I think this makes a lot of sense..see this is what I mean...only by healing another can I heal myself..all these profoundities only occur to me when I'm trying to 'be there' for someone..god! I so have to become a psychologist...my emotional life is in peril if I don't...
Yeah so I was saying this whole 'Time heals all wounds' theory..throw it out the window! It's bull!
Time heals no wounds
u can mope around in ur drunken ditch for days, weeks, months and it still wont help..u gotta get out there..with open wounds...ready for the salt to be flinged into them...cos that's what really tests u and treats u and tells u how strong u really are...and weakness is not measured by the tears u shed at the pain..but the cowardliness u show by taking cover in that ditch..
Abandon the ditch..it will hide u no more!
There! There's ur Profound post for the day/night

And I still have a lot on my mind...well at least state of blankness has taken a back seat..
It's a nice phase to be in..when nothing is on ur mind...when headaches take a back seat..when all u feel is a lack of happy feeling..not pms! just not high either...

Now its more back to 'normal'...the thinking headache is back..the one that keeps me up all night...the one that allows free write posts like this...the one that still insists on OCDing ur phone even when the toggle button thing is so totally fucked up...I did put normal in quotes, didn't I?

Well, you've gotta look on the brighter side..the slower music..the better pictures...the absolutely permanent 'dent' in ur bean bag... :)

U've acquired a healthy amount of selfishness...u don't need to give as much as u needed to in the past..this gives u more time with urself..to explore that licity of character that lives in u...and every time u think it's shaped for sure, some part of the iceberg melts, some level of water goes too low...some global warming perhaps...and then u have to change form again, I wonder if there'll be such a thing as an iceage when u stay invincible....moments of such strenght I see in ur future...ur bold enough to resist, to overturn that flake of a ship that rubbed u up the wrong way...but somewhere inside u still hold all those little pieces of soul u were responsible for killing..

Yeah, if u're reading this and dint understand ANY of the above, get used to it, this is how it's gonna be for a while...what?! it's better than the total writers block!

God Of the Stars

This is my christmas!

sitting on the roof all alone
just thinking to myself
me, my phone

the uninvited neighbours,

the bracelet and chocolate,
unepectedly found in my pocket,

the tank,
the water marked christmas tree

and me :)

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Its like life started today. As if Christ really died for me today.
I believe in a God.
A god i saw in the stars tonight
The God who let me forget my music, my computer, my world
The God who created this moon

Its not much but he did show me how to take some brilliant pics tonight
Just use whats around you
gold foil, wire, 11 feet against gravity





street lights, leaves

shadows...walls..flowers







anything..anything can make a good photo
It's all in your head
appeture, focus, lighting, framing
You need nothing!!
Just you youself and that power coming from the stars
That power termed God
You were born spiritual.
The world has made you religious
Be headstrong
heartstrong
u know it
inside u all answers lead to the same problem
its not confusion

u know why u dont believe
u cant let go of what you never had
of what u have needed, wanted, desired
all your life


u need to free fall
off a cliff,
outta a bus,
from that pedestal,
you need to be unafraid of death,
of the fear of death,
of everything that binds u to this earth.
if u dont, then ur just human
ur just alive
if u do, ur done, ur self actualised,
ur ready to die.
neihter seems profitable at the time
so u stand at cross roads
singing, dancing, drinking away
this life ur god has given you
this life their god judges you
this life u judge urself
that's what u should allow urself
the freedom from judgement
the right to say 'I have no prejudices'
To say it out loud
with no fear
of being ridiculed
then u can allow urself to believe
in a god
The god of the bible?
My god of the stars!
then u can form ur own rules
ur own church
a single person church :)
i like the idea of that!
I shall rest on it...

Spring cleaning

Tonight I cry myself to sleep
In a strangers bed
In a strangers head

That's never gonna happen again!
I'm gonna make sure that never
happens again
It's not wrong to be emotional
or sentimental!
But there's so much more to you
Ur funny
U make friends with ppl on the bus
U get grossed out by funny things
and laugh at gross things
He he
And that's ok :)

Rule No 1) U will not msg only one person continuously for a day...not even a day.
2) Writing may cure nuerostamia but it can also cause another type of mental disturbance
if you don't do it right

NO More msg Diaries!

I know u loved it but u were addicted to it...so no more
No more...

3) U will not apologize for being yourself!
NO! NO! NO!
U will not let anyone invade ur
personal space NO! NO! NO!
Personal space-u've forgotten the
meaning of that- haven't u?
He he it's ok
Things will start making sense
again...slowly...

4) Too much of a good thing is bad
Let ppl handle their own problems
for a change
They are capable of it u know :)
And they know when to ask for
help u don need to go
running every time you see a
frown.
Yes, making someone else smile
makes u smile but thats not
the only thing
Nonsensical TV shows, crappy jokes,
funny faces in the mirror,
those things feel good too.
Enjoy Maadi
Chill!