Inertia of Emotion

It ain't what you're looking for
It ain't where you're looking alright

I've never believed in planning
Life always leads you where it wants to
Why try harder.
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There are points where you realise that despite your hardest efforts you're still a 'grown up'.
And all your 'growing up' years you wanted to be this person you now despise!
I guess you were just looking for stability and then when you reach the plateau you want to go downhill from there. But there's cozy comfortable weather for a while.
And just for a while you realise
I want this to stay this way for a while.
I like it, just this part of it.
You don't dare use the words FOREVER or NEVER
Cos you've outgrown them.
You don't look back in anger
Cos Sally's much happier this summer than she was the last.
You don't look at yourself and see anything you'd like to change drastically.
And it dawns on you that no one or nothing could make you a different person
You'll sometimes be just a shade brighter than who you are today.
You'll often be a shade darker.
But who you are today is just a coat of paint.
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I realised soon enough that I wasn't running away from anything or anyone.
I wasn't running towards anything or anyone
I just wanted to run with nothing with someone
And since that's not happening
I'll run away on my own and find the right preposition on the way there.
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She's my mind washer
when I'm too upset to think she makes perfect sense
so much sense I want to kill her sometimes.
Yet I need reality checks like that.
All mirrors do.
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And no matter how hard you try, sparks are not something you can create, not something you will grow into. It either clicks or it doesn't.
If we did a compatibility test, we'd match like peas in a pod.
But that wouldn't prove a thing.
And it makes me sad to admit it.
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I was happy this morning.
The kind of happy that comes with an expiry date.
And soon enough the lull came.
The twist to a perfectly simple, fun day.
You can't say you weren't warned!
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The Girl Without the Red Umbrella

I've started this post so many times..it cant be tagged as free asscoiation anymore..

Remembering all he did and all he does to make me smile...and there're so many small reasons they cover up the need for a larger reason to adore him.Yet something seems out of place..the smiling reality/sincerity of it all makes it too good to be true and in a  strange way we know...we both know on some conscious level that this can't last...it shouldn't cos if it did one or both of us would be compromised and neither of us wants that...we like ourselves too much...just the way we are with all the gaping flaws...
I start thinking of ways it might end...ways i might end it and this seems even more senseless cos I know I love him too little to let go

The Girl with the Red Umbrella

you're giving me that look which says 'gimme a blanket, a bed and a way out of here'
I can be your superman tonight
to ride you across town or just as far as the shore
As far as you're sure
A part of me says let it go
Let everyday be the one before
Lay lady lay
His hands are dirty but his clothes are clean
And you're the best thing that he's ever seen
Stay lady Stay stay with your man a while....
I dont have the strength to carry you