Phoenix Rising

I came here to write.

It's been a year since I moved to Gurgaon. Exactly a year since I climbed on that plane and landed here.

It's been a scary year, an exciting year, a heart-breaking year, a self-discovering year. But I'm here.

And I like who I have become this year. I used to go down this path of self discovery more often when I was younger. But today it is varied and weird.

I'm wired on the world wide web too tightly. I spend way too much time online.
I have less face-to-face conversations than online ones. And I am a Social Conversation Manager. I have conversations as if I am a brand. It's strange? yes. But this brand stands for a girl much like me, so it comes naturally to me.

I'm scared of taking up a brand that I would not relate to. If I get into a Digital Marketing Agency, I might not have a choice.

My Bojangles keeps me happy. I'm still deeply connected to music. But the playlists in my head have stopped. I miss the long bus rides of Bangalore. I miss that alone-in-a-crowd feeling. I have it sometimes now over the weekends when I catch the metro to go see my mom.

Last week someone just asked, "What perfume are you wearing?"
Just out of the blue, without so much as a hi-hello.
"Oh..er..sorry..um...Little Waters..by Davidoff"
I stammered out of shock.
"It's good", she said

Strange 'cos when I thought about it and I know it's called Still Waters and I wanted to correct myself and tell her that I had mixed it up. But I decided to just let it go. She sat next to me the entire metro ride to Rajeev Chowk, but we didn't utter another word to each other.

I don't understand how human beings can speak to people miles away on their little mobile phones, but can't name their next door neighbors. It's strange and I don't like it. It really upsets me.

I've been dealing with a severe case of insomnia for the past week. Maybe it's the weather change, maybe it's stress, maybe it's just me. I tend to have these strange creative phases once every 2-3 years. The last one was when I was falling in love with my soul mate, 3 years ago. That was a different high.

This one is more about falling in love with who I'm going to be. 'Cos finally I know who that woman is going to be.

I'm not going to let my potential go unnoticed again.
I'm never going to stay unproductive.
I'm never going to settle for a 9-5.
I will always experiment with clothes.
I will always shop impulsively.
I will always spend on lasagne.
I may always have a tummy as well.
And I'm good.

I will cry.
I will be a wreck sometimes.
I will allow myself to be just who I am.
I will not apologize for being me.

I will learn to keep personal life separate from office life.
I will learn to keep colleagues separate from friends.
I will know the difference.
And I will know when to mix and match.

I cannot hide from society and it's norms.
But I will not follow all of them.
Just the ones that don't hinder me from being myself.

I'm fierce.
I'm passionate.
I'm emotional.
I'm creative.
I'm innovative.
I love change.
I believe in chaos.
As much as I believe in growth.

I'm not a reader of books.
I'm not a writer yet.
One day I will publish a book.
One day I will have a family.

I will leave a legacy.
I already have.