Sunday, 29 January 2012

The Fear

There was a time when a blank page like this would serve as inspiration. Now it's just a timid invitation to scribble mindless junk. I've been trying to write sensible stuff lately. Stuff people can read and publish on websites and magazines and the like and it's not working. I end up being really boring and too politically correct. Blogging was cool until I realized people I haven't even met are reading this and judging me by it. It's easy to get duped when you're just sitting in your room in shorts with your laptop propped over a bag of chips.

I wanna write stuff which is genuine and will still be loved by whoever happens to read it. I thought that's what I was doing until I started begging for comments and likes and suddenly it wasn't about me anymore and I couldn't be honest anymore. I'm even considering giving up. I can only be totally me when I know no one's reading. Or if I'm in my comfort zone with people I can trust. I feel ME fading away bit by bit cos I have conditioned myself into thinking I can only be ME with him and he's not around as often as I want him to be. I don't want to be a sad, passive listener. Cos that's not who I am. Why am I scared of saying what I'm thinking even when I'm with my closest friends? I was never scared of sounding too blunt or looking like a complete jerk. Now I am. Now I'm not letting me be. And it's not fair to anyone anymore.

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