Settle Down

Let's try this. Lets try writing someone a letter. Let's start with the first person in your address book.

Dear Abi Aunty, It's been ages since I wrote to you! Do you still have breast cancer or did the last operation do the trick? How's Alina's grand mom and whatever happened to their cats? Do you still play bridge tournaments with Uncle Bob? We had a friend from Australia visit recently. She knew mom before I was born so it's nice to hear stories of mom and dad's good ol' times while she was around. Her son, Sam is Zohrab's age and hasn't given up his bratiness and cracker-craze even after all these years. As kids, he teamed up with my brother, smuggled 20 boxes of aussie candy into a tent and ate them all in a day! This time he brought his girlfriend who was so very polite and well-behaved, I think mom wanted to adopt her by the end of their stay!

Dear Abha Sah, We're sorry Sam's pants are still with you. I recently realised one of my friends from Pune was going to Oz in Jan and could have easily taken it back with him. If mom had just let me think clearly instead of couriering them to you in Mumbai we wouldnt even be having this conversation!! Anyway, I gues you could give them away to anyone who would put them to good use!

Dear Shake! Is your beard still chest-long and shaggy? We missed you at Su's budday dinner. Actually her mom missed you most and so did the lonely bowl of gajar halwa! Wish you were still around or at least kept in touch more often. I have that link to your flickr gallery in my FB inbox. Must go check it out now! 

PS: I still regret losing our Komodinator comic book! 

 Hi Osho! My boyfriend wanted to join the Osho community online! any advice? ;) Heard you're dating a familiar Bangalore-based RJ, how's that going for you? I wish I didn't sound so bitter but I still remember you as the bald-headed whiner who broke my friend's heart! 

Hi Alina, Ah, I should go back and watch your wedding video again! :) How's Glenn? Saw something about his new store..the car parts thing..on FB...tell me more about it. Are you in Toronto now? Vancouver? Or in the US? I've lost track...

Hi Pinto, Sir, I remember you telling me I look happier and calmer after I'd started working. I wonder if you've got your Phd yet! Your blog still running?? And I have half a mind of digging out that infamous Optional Eng paper and reading it again. You remember the one in which I failed by 2 marks and you refused to submit my answer sheet to the Exam dept cos of the obscenities I'd written?! I'm still wondering what YOU really thought of it and why you floated the idea of doing a paper on it, which was of course shot down by Sudhamshu, who thought I was looking for those extra 2 marks to pass the crappy mid-terms! Anyway, I hope you still have that mug I painted for you and hope you wife is loving the mickey mouse balding pattern. Cheers!

Hi Arpi, I'm not sure who you are! must be one of those autosave contacts that Gmail thought she was doing a favour for. Maybe you're from my old forwarding list. Hmmmm.

Hi Asma, You must be creeped out my the fact that I remember your grandmom was half parsi. Also, my view of you completely changed after I met Brian and saw what you made of him. Yeah, I do blame you and I am taking the boy's side. For once! But I still think you write awesomely, look great on your Gtalk profile and are the only sensible Google reader in town. Are you even in town...sounds like you're in Mumbai most statuses...

Hi Ayesha, I'm still in love with your perfect little face. So pretty and oh-so-enigmatic. You were the best senior prefect ever. Made it difficult to fill your shoes. 

I am 23, going on 24...

I never even imagined it. Not in my tamest dreams. I never thought I'd be actively thinking of getting married and settling down at 23. NO WAY! And now I can't find an un-corny way of saying 'I found the man of my dreams and I can't wait to get married and have his kids!!' It feels unreal, even writing about it. It only actually sunk in when I was at our fav coffee shop discussing the day we're gonna break it to our parents. The Sus are very much in the same boat and they're both pretty sure their moms are gonna have heart attacks. I just sit there wondering why everyone thinks Hindi serials are so lame when there's one unfolding in their own lives.

So I tell Juggy bout it on the way home and he just says 'You're lucky the Parsis kicked you out!'. It took me 3 whole mins to come to the happy realization that if I was brought up in a tight community like that, I'd have an arranged marriage shoved down my throat as well. It's just fortunate that my mom is one of the most open-minded parents on the face of this planet. And don't get ideas, I'm not dating a drug dealer! It's just nice to be able to dream about a white wedding without having to think of disgruntled aunts in the background! Fortunately, questions like, "Does he have shudra blood in him?" don't come flying my way. Well...mom did make him tear open a coconut 'cos she's stereotyped him as a Mallu fisherman! It was quite a task convincing him that he didn't NEED to spend 3 and half hours ripping apart the hard-shelled coconut just to prove his malluness, while concealing the giggles every time the sickle slipped from his hands. Poor Man!

I just don't get the prejudice and in the Sus' case, I don't get why "But this time it's different. This time I'm happy and in love" doesn't work. Does it really sound that naive?? They brought us up to the best of their ability and they'd be the first to boast about our promotions but when it comes to choosing the right man we're just not mature enough to make those decisions. "Um...You were married and pregnant with me at this age! remember?!"

The Fear

There was a time when a blank page like this would serve as inspiration. Now it's just a timid invitation to scribble mindless junk. I've been trying to write sensible stuff lately. Stuff people can read and publish on websites and magazines and the like and it's not working. I end up being really boring and too politically correct. Blogging was cool until I realized people I haven't even met are reading this and judging me by it. It's easy to get duped when you're just sitting in your room in shorts with your laptop propped over a bag of chips.

I wanna write stuff which is genuine and will still be loved by whoever happens to read it. I thought that's what I was doing until I started begging for comments and likes and suddenly it wasn't about me anymore and I couldn't be honest anymore. I'm even considering giving up. I can only be totally me when I know no one's reading. Or if I'm in my comfort zone with people I can trust. I feel ME fading away bit by bit cos I have conditioned myself into thinking I can only be ME with him and he's not around as often as I want him to be. I don't want to be a sad, passive listener. Cos that's not who I am. Why am I scared of saying what I'm thinking even when I'm with my closest friends? I was never scared of sounding too blunt or looking like a complete jerk. Now I am. Now I'm not letting me be. And it's not fair to anyone anymore.