"Keep smiling...never be angry", he smiled
"I can't be
You know I can't
I can't hate
I can't be angry
I can only be sad
And mad
And bad", I wink.
He laughs, "You shouldn't be bad"
“Why not?"
"And it’s good that you can't hate"
"No it's not!"
Suppose you do something really bad someday
Something unforgivable
Would you want me to hate you?
Would you expect me to leave you?
Would you cling to me and promise never to err again?
"I would need friends to be at my side that time
I won't let such a situation arise"
"I know baby
But suppose I can't
Suppose i can't find the strength to be near you at that time?
Would you hate me for deserting you?
You better not make me hate you
Please don't ever.
'Cos I can’t trust myself to last forever
Don’t make me choose again
Don’t make me make the same mistake
Don’t give me a chance
To hate you."
"What are you trying to say?"
"I donno
I'm just saying
I never want to repeat mistakes"
"I won't give u a chance to hate me even 0.00000000000000000001%"
"What mistakes...Akshay’s?"
"Donno if I'll ever forgive myself for leaving him"
I dreamt about him yesterday
I dreamt that it was raining
And I was near Kid’s Kemp
But I couldn't go inside
Cos he was there with his girl
And I could see them buying Baskin Robins ice cream
And I was drenched in the rain
But I was too scared to go in.
Then they come out
And I run
Needed to escape
But I'm too late
And I slip and fall
And he laughs at me
Really mocks me
And comments on how stupid I am
Then I get mad
And I scream
But I can't scream at him
I can't
I know him too well
To hate him
So I...
"Quite a nightmare!"
It gets worse
I scream at his girlfriend
And I say 'YOU DON'T CARE!!
Just go away!'
And she seems hurt
And she says
'I care. I do care'
It’s really sad
That I have to give her up
With him, I have to give up
Life as I knew it.
Sometimes I’m thankful I chose to
Ignore the rudeness,
Slide over the sly remarks...
I can tell what he's thinking by looking at him
That eye conversation may be silenced in a while.
Don't let that happen with you
I want to know you inside out
Every inch of you is intriguing
And I can’t stop myself
Never let me find anything
I could possibly hate
Cos I'll be too in love with you
To stop then.
If you're hiding something
Stop now
Stop letting me in
Cos one day
I'll find out
And I'll be hurt.
Don't let me hate you
Don't give my elastic heart
A chance to break
Don't make it hate
Don't let it make the same mistake.
Wednesday, 30 January 2008
Friday, 18 January 2008
ZOEY JANE
Today was a day of ups and downs..a perfect day!
You know there are a few days when everything goes smoothly..well those days aren't really perfect...they're just the opposite of bad days...
Perfect days are days in which there are as many highs as there are lows.
Today there was waking up on time, giving Zohrab his birthday gift and hugging and kissing my very own eighteen year old on the plus side and 4 inch heels, Saturday traffic and LG dvd players on the down side.
So it was all perfect...until...well i got home in one piece..a little too early considering I was supposed to be babysitting Loius for two hours. Anyway i decided to take full advantage of my time alone at home.
Switch on the Comp, open my favourite playlist, sink into a bean bag and listen to Champagne Supernova on the highest volume possible, while ignoring calls from Osho, charging my phone, boiling the milk and digging into a raw tomato and chavanprash! yes! I'm a multi-laxer!
Thank you very much...
Then the bittersweet part...I hear Slide Away. I miss Deb. I ring him.
Excuse: Do they have on-the-spot registration for 'In Bloom'?
Like I din't already know :P
We start talking..mobile, call back, online, disconnected, landline, call back.
I end up on a bean bag in the bathroom!! Two hours of Oasis and (sigh) Deb! lol..We talked bout everything...Murder lists...Class clicks...Shady Characters. We dint go as far as teachers. We settled at 'U dont understand female psychology and I'm gonna explain it to u.'
Well that took two hours...excluding the reverts to Coldplay and tears.
Anyway, it turns out he needed my insights and I needed his. Turns out I've highly underestimated this air giutaring Nirvana freak and his worldly wisdom. :) well, we went round and round in circles until Zo's Ex girlfriend rang to wish him.
Then the fun part..then the happy part...then the lonely part..then the extremely annoyed part and finally the extremely depressed part. Somewhere down the line I switched from phone to computer to loo to bedroom and mom and Zo came back.
Now while mom was occupied by Taare Zameen Par...movie of the year!!, I was in my room, sobbing! Almost called Akshay out of desperation.
Problem: "Damn! I can't do it..I miss him too much..its my Bro's birthday and Dad hasn't even been there for one of them! I just..its ok..there's nothing u can do.."-Sushil, Deb
They dint know what to say 'Call Akshay..(he always knows what to say)..he cant b that stuck up'.....'Im sorry, Im very sorry'.....
But I knew what I needed...there was only one thing that could help and I dint have it...
ZOEY JANE
I've put her back on my phone now..yes! there is a possibility that i will get seriously addicted to her...anything that makes the tears stop can be a drug for me.
Sometimes the tears themselves are drugs.
I couldn't get to her then so I tried Calvin and Hobbes, Lightening Crashes, Photographs of Dad and me dated 1989, Diary dated 2007, Tricia, Krishna and Vini.
Vini helped..a lot! I dint tell her the real reason for my woes but she rambled on about Tarun and Arun and by 12:45am I had wiped my tears away and whats more my room was clean as well :)
'Our talks are so therapeutic!' They are! they really are! but they're really just diversion tactics. :) works anyway. Better than wet tissues and scrunched up blankets!
So i was officially 'cheered up' but I still needed my song so here I am. Three and a half hours of Sweet Zoey Jane.
Thank You Staind :)
Wednesday, 16 January 2008
Tuesday, 15 January 2008
Doggies
Yes, they are cute, immensely cute!
Also immensely vulnerable...
Take this quad-
They're cute, adorable, quintessential puppies..sleeping their asses off on the roadside..parents near by..So i empty out my tiffin box a couple o' times..they become friends..they follow me home..what am i to do? no harm anyway..well not till...
Then it happens..this is the second time this morning I step outta the house..the first one ended in a desperate trip back to my loo (Mexican chicken Stuffed Crust Pizza is sooo worth it!!)
I walk outta my gate and there it is..the carcass of a little creature..mutilated!! torn to bits..unrecognizable, but for the fact that it's siblings are chewing on it's flesh, there's no way to tell that the fly-ridden carcass once belonged to one of those snug little doggies!!
Sad!! no sad is not the word!! It's horrendous!! who would do such a thing? Murder a dog, a pup!!
awww..no amount of sympathy is enough tho..the stench will be unbearable by the afternoon and the remaining flesh and bones will be deposited in the dustbin with all the other dead dogs,
cats, squirels and cows
run over by traffic in residential areas every single day!!
Sigh...so much for a Good Morning!
Sunday, 13 January 2008
13 msgs..read at ur own risk!
hmmm..I had this whole post planned out and then it happened..bean bag day!! he he...Shivagange kinda does that to u! anyway it was my phone 2 month anniversary on the 11th and in its honour i would like to dedicate this post to sony ericsson 750i..yes! thats the phone i have..comments on its efficiency are presently avoided.
I am here to solemnly wipe out all its contents..well the drafts and the pics at least..need memory space :P
Beware..some of this shit is personal..do not overanalyse, assume or spill out any of it!! I'll find out!
This takes time..opening up to the whole wide world about stuff like broken hearts, philo poems and msgs that dint really reach the ppl they were supposed to! so here goes...
ROOM
Life is like a room.
Many people enter and leave.
You make place for some,
Others break and enter.
Some are trapped inside,
While others only get a view from the window.
Some people visit more often than others,
Some stay longer,
While others walk in and out.
Some get thrown out eventually,
Others slam the door.
And leave cracks on their way out.
And when you’re sure they’ll never return,
You look at the empty spaces they left behind,
And wonder if they are worth filling up again.
Sometimes the room is empty and wasted
And you regret letting people leave.
Sometimes it’s so full you wish
You hadn’t let so many people in.
Sometimes there isn’t enough space for everyone
And they get in each others way.
So you want to break down and reconstruct
Or redecorate at least.
But you never know whether
The room can withstand constant renovation.
You’re afraid it may crumble and fall,
At the very mention of a cement truck!
You don’t even know who will be around
To build it or break it.
Maybe it’s not up to you.
After all, you don’t own the room.
You don’t even know who keeps the keys!
Someday you might gain the keys
Or pick the lock.
In either case, make sure
You reread those papers before signing any
Fulltime contracts or part time leases
Or permanent eviction certificates.
Cos there’s no telling
Who may hold up that main pillar
Or who could let go of that loose tile.
No 1...yes! this is the 10 page msg i saved the night before the class trip..apparently right before really tiring days i like writing :) like today i'm supposed to get up early and watch Taare Zameen Par with a friend at Inox..but instead of restin I'm here!
2."He he...i have a new theme song.. i wanna break free..Queen! Lol..god knows I've fallen in love.."-Supposed to be sent to Sumati on 31-12-07
Ha ha..its still my very brilliant new year resolution! i shall break free! I shall over come! I shall know what the hell to do with my life by the end of 2008. I solemnly swear by my muddled mind I shall!!
3."So what's ur song of 2007?
that one song you waited....ok i cant be bothered..whatever i typed yest dint get saved and im too bleh now..go figure!!
I've decided to give this another shot..where did i stop? ah yes..the forwards..
"What's that one song u waited to hear on radio..Or Vh1..the one that made u smile or cry or shout things like 'thats so soml!' everytime u heard it..it could be just one song or a whole playlist or just one band/artist..Whatever..Tell me about it!"- To Sum, Shruthi N, Vini, Akshay (not a mistake), Shake, Deb...
Sum said one mile wish..heard it for the shortest time but still..
Vini said she has to think
Shrithi said Arctic Monkies
Shake gave a whole list of Mettalica
Deb dint replay
and Akshay said "I would really appreciate it if I weren't part of your msging list"
Lol..i had a good laugh :) Listening to Chasing Cars right now ;)
"These things will never change for us at all"
never mind..next!
4."These ppl are irritatingly fussy.. Bear with me.."-To mom
I think it did get delivered cos she seemed to agree with me.
5."Everyone has an identity in college and they are afraid of breaking out of it..if they are dancers they'll just dance..if they're actors they'll always act..i broke out of it..i'm proud of myself!"
Dont remember why this was so important. Was sometime around Psych Fest...
6."Merry last-day-of-coll-before-Chirstmas and a happy last-few-days-of old year! :)"
Everybody said how 'me' this was! ;)
7. "I was very drunk..had fight with Akshay..listen can u pick up some stuff from me from forum or smt..please..its cake and shit for you guys.. Akshay and i are not on talking terms..don think we'll ever be.."-To Nehal, Christmas morning..She rang in the morning, assumed she got the msg..hmmm..
8. "I'm drunk.. Im gonna tell him I love him..Stop me!"-Vini
And she did!
This is probably the reason why I haven't completed this post yet..anyhow I guess im comfortable enough with it now..
Would it make a difference if I had said 'I love you' in place of 'I hate you'? I wonder...
9. "What's wrong with me? I like babies so I babysit every saturday.. it makes me smile.. one of the few things that makes me smile..so what if some goof calls me a pedophile..I don't become one! he's an ass anyway..doesn't feel good about himself so he has to insult other ppl to boost his ego..i hate ppl like that.."
The fall of the pedestal...
my sweetheart..sigh..
10. "Sorry only oscar winning ppls can see my list!"- To Akshay
The last decent conversation we had..Christmas lists...He had promised that when he wins his oscar he will go on stage with my Raakhi hanging out of his watch and it'll become something of a fashion statement..'who knows we may go together to get the best screenplay award' :) happy times...
He got me what I asked for..Elmo is a constant reminder of what I'm missing..
It still has the black embroidery thread which was supposed to patch up his leather jacket...
11. "Just wanna say I forgive u"-To Ram
The day of the Psycho fest..truly Psycho!
I needed him then and I went rushing back..He had done nothing to require my forgivenes and yet all the grudges I held against him vanished that day. We're not the best of friends now but we're here in the 'let's give friendship another chance' phase.
Haven't spoken to him in a while since i found out that the reason Zo and him stopped talking was me..that struck a chord. I've done worse tha I thought..messed up more than my life...
12. "Ma ur doing the right sensible thing..its not easy but its right and ur strong..things will work out fine..love u too! :)"-To mama
Wish I believed it! How much I cried then! should have been there for her..instead I broke too..
13."I refuse to be amused by u..I hate everything about u"
RAGE absolute rage!
There it is! 13 unsent msgs....things I wish i had said..things I had no courage to say..things I thought I had said..things that got left behind...
I am here to solemnly wipe out all its contents..well the drafts and the pics at least..need memory space :P
Beware..some of this shit is personal..do not overanalyse, assume or spill out any of it!! I'll find out!
This takes time..opening up to the whole wide world about stuff like broken hearts, philo poems and msgs that dint really reach the ppl they were supposed to! so here goes...
ROOM
Life is like a room.
Many people enter and leave.
You make place for some,
Others break and enter.
Some are trapped inside,
While others only get a view from the window.
Some people visit more often than others,
Some stay longer,
While others walk in and out.
Some get thrown out eventually,
Others slam the door.
And leave cracks on their way out.
And when you’re sure they’ll never return,
You look at the empty spaces they left behind,
And wonder if they are worth filling up again.
Sometimes the room is empty and wasted
And you regret letting people leave.
Sometimes it’s so full you wish
You hadn’t let so many people in.
Sometimes there isn’t enough space for everyone
And they get in each others way.
So you want to break down and reconstruct
Or redecorate at least.
But you never know whether
The room can withstand constant renovation.
You’re afraid it may crumble and fall,
At the very mention of a cement truck!
You don’t even know who will be around
To build it or break it.
Maybe it’s not up to you.
After all, you don’t own the room.
You don’t even know who keeps the keys!
Someday you might gain the keys
Or pick the lock.
In either case, make sure
You reread those papers before signing any
Fulltime contracts or part time leases
Or permanent eviction certificates.
Cos there’s no telling
Who may hold up that main pillar
Or who could let go of that loose tile.
No 1...yes! this is the 10 page msg i saved the night before the class trip..apparently right before really tiring days i like writing :) like today i'm supposed to get up early and watch Taare Zameen Par with a friend at Inox..but instead of restin I'm here!
2."He he...i have a new theme song.. i wanna break free..Queen! Lol..god knows I've fallen in love.."-Supposed to be sent to Sumati on 31-12-07
Ha ha..its still my very brilliant new year resolution! i shall break free! I shall over come! I shall know what the hell to do with my life by the end of 2008. I solemnly swear by my muddled mind I shall!!
3."So what's ur song of 2007?
that one song you waited....ok i cant be bothered..whatever i typed yest dint get saved and im too bleh now..go figure!!
I've decided to give this another shot..where did i stop? ah yes..the forwards..
"What's that one song u waited to hear on radio..Or Vh1..the one that made u smile or cry or shout things like 'thats so soml!' everytime u heard it..it could be just one song or a whole playlist or just one band/artist..Whatever..Tell me about it!"- To Sum, Shruthi N, Vini, Akshay (not a mistake), Shake, Deb...
Sum said one mile wish..heard it for the shortest time but still..
Vini said she has to think
Shrithi said Arctic Monkies
Shake gave a whole list of Mettalica
Deb dint replay
and Akshay said "I would really appreciate it if I weren't part of your msging list"
Lol..i had a good laugh :) Listening to Chasing Cars right now ;)
"These things will never change for us at all"
never mind..next!
4."These ppl are irritatingly fussy.. Bear with me.."-To mom
I think it did get delivered cos she seemed to agree with me.
5."Everyone has an identity in college and they are afraid of breaking out of it..if they are dancers they'll just dance..if they're actors they'll always act..i broke out of it..i'm proud of myself!"
Dont remember why this was so important. Was sometime around Psych Fest...
6."Merry last-day-of-coll-before-Chirstmas and a happy last-few-days-of old year! :)"
Everybody said how 'me' this was! ;)
7. "I was very drunk..had fight with Akshay..listen can u pick up some stuff from me from forum or smt..please..its cake and shit for you guys.. Akshay and i are not on talking terms..don think we'll ever be.."-To Nehal, Christmas morning..She rang in the morning, assumed she got the msg..hmmm..
8. "I'm drunk.. Im gonna tell him I love him..Stop me!"-Vini
And she did!
This is probably the reason why I haven't completed this post yet..anyhow I guess im comfortable enough with it now..
Would it make a difference if I had said 'I love you' in place of 'I hate you'? I wonder...
9. "What's wrong with me? I like babies so I babysit every saturday.. it makes me smile.. one of the few things that makes me smile..so what if some goof calls me a pedophile..I don't become one! he's an ass anyway..doesn't feel good about himself so he has to insult other ppl to boost his ego..i hate ppl like that.."
The fall of the pedestal...
my sweetheart..sigh..10. "Sorry only oscar winning ppls can see my list!"- To Akshay
The last decent conversation we had..Christmas lists...He had promised that when he wins his oscar he will go on stage with my Raakhi hanging out of his watch and it'll become something of a fashion statement..'who knows we may go together to get the best screenplay award' :) happy times...
He got me what I asked for..Elmo is a constant reminder of what I'm missing..
It still has the black embroidery thread which was supposed to patch up his leather jacket...
11. "Just wanna say I forgive u"-To Ram
The day of the Psycho fest..truly Psycho!
I needed him then and I went rushing back..He had done nothing to require my forgivenes and yet all the grudges I held against him vanished that day. We're not the best of friends now but we're here in the 'let's give friendship another chance' phase.
Haven't spoken to him in a while since i found out that the reason Zo and him stopped talking was me..that struck a chord. I've done worse tha I thought..messed up more than my life...
12. "Ma ur doing the right sensible thing..its not easy but its right and ur strong..things will work out fine..love u too! :)"-To mama
Wish I believed it! How much I cried then! should have been there for her..instead I broke too..
13."I refuse to be amused by u..I hate everything about u"
RAGE absolute rage!
There it is! 13 unsent msgs....things I wish i had said..things I had no courage to say..things I thought I had said..things that got left behind...
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